There are more blogs, coaches, and methods for changing your life out there than varieties of pumpkin spice things in the world. The best way to change your life, however, is to learn how to think differently about the world so you can facilitate your own big life leaps.

Not that long ago, I was miserable - I was in unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships (romantic and otherwise) and I felt like I was working myself to the bone without a lot of return. My income had wild fluctuations, I felt like if I wasn’t working, I was always networking, and there never seemed to be enough time to take care of the things I needed - like the gym, organizing anything at home, or even putting away the already clean laundry before I decided it sat around so long it was no longer clean and should just be washed again (if this one hits home for you, trust that you’re not alone!).

Although I could show up just about any day with a smile on my face, I was feeling dark, stagnant, and unhappy on the inside.

These days, I realize all the discomfort I was experiencing was because I simply was not living my life the way I wanted. I had allowed the expectations and demands of society and others influence what I did and how I felt. There was physical and emotional clutter around me – my life felt so full of things I didn’t even want. My own family and my true friends didn’t enjoy being around me because it wasn’t really me who was showing up. I had no idea whether I could change my life for the better because I felt like I had very little control over it. I was living trapped inside a jack-in-the-box, feeling like the crank was turning, increasing the pressure around me, with taunting music playing constantly; as I felt more and more compressed, I kept waiting for the lid to pop so I could shoot out in an uncontrollable, messy explosion.

Fortunately, I never did explode out of a box. I was able to see that I could actually open the lid myself and step outside on my own. I eventually realized I could create plenty of different boxes of my own choosing or even live outside of a box altogether. Today, the pressure of the external world no longer weighs on me and I believe in my own ability to change things. I see that what I identified as “burnout” was really just the by-product of not living life on my own terms.

I have changed so many things I never thought were possible.

While life today does not always unfurl ahead of me as if I live in a magical, princess movie, full of cute woodland creatures, flower petals dancing all around, and a total absence of bathrooms anywhere (because nobody needs one), I wake up every morning feeling that life is better, far better in fact, than it was ten years ago. I feel like I am control of my schedule, my career, and myself again. I know and value the power of my own choices and I more easily let go of the things I cannot control and that bring anger and frustration.

Today, I share with you five of the biggest things I learned that helped me find the calm, peace, and presence I enjoy in my life now.

1. Always Simplify

Did you watch “The Good Place?” That show with Ted Danson and Kristen Bell? I did and I loved it. In one of the later seasons, Ted Danson’s character observes that humans have a hard time getting into “The Good Place” these days because of how complex life is. Something as simple as buying a tomato at the grocery store can have all sorts of negative implications such as supporting unethical labor practices, adding to pollution through the use of chemicals, and creating unnecessary energy use related to the transportation of the tomato from the farm to the store.

Every little decision in life does not have to carry with it a thousand pounds of guilt and shame, but the more complicated we allow things to be in our lives, the harder it is to feel good. The simpler life is, the less we have to worry about day by day. There is such a thing as “decision fatigue.” The more decisions we have to make each day, the more exhausted we get. There is a study out there that demonstrates if you have to go to court on a complex matter, you do not want to be the last one up at the end of the day because odds are the judge is tired of making decisions at that point. The human brain can handle only so much analysis and sorting out each day, no matter how smart or analytical you are. The qualify of your decisions declines throughout the day. Rumor has it Mark Zuckerberg (grey t-shirt), Barack Obama (blue or grey suit), and Steve Jobs (the solid black turtleneck) all chose their daily uniform specifically to eliminate an easy round of decision-making every day to free up the mental energy to make more important decisions.

Their thinking is not displaced. So many things in life are complicated for no valid reason. The over-complication of life is something I have contemplated since I was a little kid. I so often questioned why things are the way they are and thought of ways to do things differently. Perhaps you did, too.

But when we go to school, start working, or just go about day-to-day life there are so many naysayers out there who quickly shoot down questions, especially “why.” It’s so easy to override our little voice inside (more on that later) telling us there is a better, easier way when the world seems full of people who want you to think otherwise.

Stopping to take a look at your own overwhelmed life to see what is complicated, feels hard, and takes away time from things you really want to be doing (other than the complicated, hard things) can help you get control over what is happening in your life. My mental playlist around complicated stuff now goes like this:

“Is there an easier way to do this thing?”

“Would it be better to hire someone else to do this thing?”

“Wait, is this thing even something that needs to be done at all?”

Going through a dialogue like this helps me clear the clutter of life that doesn’t need to be there. Simplicity is powerful – even if it may not feel that way at first.

2. Believe in Change

If you don’t believe change is possible, you’ll never take steps to get there. It’s common sense – if you’re trying to get to Chicago and you start driving along and come to a road, but you have no idea whether it is going to take you to Chicago, are you going to go down it? Probably not.

But if you believe you can get to Chicago, even if you don’t know the way, you’ll start looking for answers. You are probably going to research in advance and plan ahead of time. Odds are, you will use GPS to get you there unless you already know the way. Even if you have never made that journey, however, you will still believe that your chosen path will lead you to Chicago if you have done some investigating.

You also do not need to know all the details to start planning the journey and taking steps to get there. If you were going to Chicago, you would probably choose a driving route or book a flight, probably make a hotel and even some restaurant reservations. But you likely will not plot out every single step along the way, nor will you schedule every single moment. Some parts of every journey just have to unfold.

Once you research how to get there, where to stay when you arrive, and what to do when you are there, you will probably have a pretty firm belief in your ability to take a trip to Chicago. Otherwise, you’ll never leave the house.

Life is the same – you can do some legwork to figure out where you want to go. If you begin searching for ways to get to where you want to go, you’ll find them. You don’t have to have made the journey already to believe you’ll get there. You’ll get there by starting on the path and letting the journey unfold, believing that you’re going to get there.

Searching for people who are living the way you desire and learning from them can be an important step in developing belief and in helping you find the tools you need for your own life change journey. Which leads me to my next tip…

3. Choose Community Consciously

The naysayers I mentioned before? If you have a lot of them in your life, it’s time to stop hanging around them and find your tribe of belief and support. A lot of people who have journeyed from a not so good place to a better life often want to help those behind them. Still other people are just really good at teaching others how to do certain things in life. The world is abundant with people who can help you find your own path to change. It is up to you to seek them out and spend time with them, whether it is through reading their blogs, books, or social media posts, finding them in networking groups, or going to retreats or events where people are doing the things you want to do in your own life.

When you surround yourself with people whose own ideas and way of life is positive, it will raise you up, too. That saying “Your tribe is your vibe?” It’s true. If you’re not sold on the concept, just try hanging out with some other people and see what happens in your life.

4. Listen to Your Inner Voice

We all have one – including you. It’s that little voice that tells you things you think you have no business knowing and it often gets drowned out by society, teachers, other people (the naysayers again), colleagues, media, social media.

The reality is that you usually know what is best for YOU. Reconnecting to that voice requires taking a break, finding some quiet, and just listening now and then. When we ignore the voice, it finds other ways to make its wishes known – sometimes through meltdowns (ever have those?), injuries or illnesses (ever ask them what they are trying to tell you? Yes, it may just be “go to the doctor,” but sometimes there is more than that being said), or just feeling like an unhappy pile of crap all the time (not gonna change unless you change).

The little voice inside also has a great deal of wisdom about what you can and cannot control. Learning to listen to it and focus on what you can change (this means things you can do) and not worrying about things you cannot (things other people do). Before your mind spins off around current events, work stuff, or other things that you personally may or may not have the power to change, remember that letting go of concern about what other people do does not equate with silently allowing things to happen around you. It’s really a matter of balancing the actions you can take with your own expectations about what those actions will accomplish. When I learned to look at what I am willing to do, even if it has zero impact on someone else, and doing just that, responding to things outside my control began to get a lot easier and less stressful.

That little voice usually has all the right answers, you just have to learn to hear what it has to say and act accordingly.

5. Get Out of the Box – Literally

You may not be in a literal box, but if you feel like you are stuck in some boxes created by others – whether it’s parenting, life partnering, working, or something else – getting out of that environment for a bit can give you the space and opportunity to reflect on what is going on in your life and what you want to change. This is why so many people go away on self-discovery trips, solo hikes in the woods, or retreats and come back with a whole new outlook on life.

When we are living day-to-day, going through the motions, honoring other people’s expectations, and feeling like we don’t even know who we are anymore, it is almost impossible to step away and look at what we can and cannot control. If you feel super stuck in your life and want to change, but aren’t really sure how to start, create a little mini-retreat for yourself. Perhaps it’s a weekend away in the Berkshires, or maybe it’s just an afternoon at a local coffee shop with a journal. Pick somewhere that is decidedly different from your usual physical space, brain dump what is not working for you right now, and brainstorm ways to change those things. Perhaps look at what things are no longer working for you and decide whether now is a time to get rid of them, or just start working on a way to transition to something else.

No matter where you are in life right now, you absolutely can make changes that work for you. If you ever find yourself feeling stuck in a rut with no way out, begin by looking at what is really going on versus what you are thinking about what is going on. It is very, very rare that you truly have no choices or the choices in life are either/or, such as:

“I can either make more money or be happy.”

“I can either be with this partner or be happy.”

“I can either live where I do or move somewhere else to be happy.”

“I can either have a successful career or be a more present, available parent.”

“I can either have fun or save money.”

Instead of allowing these thoughts to control your life, start asking yourself “How do I …?” As in “How do I make more money AND be happy?”

Making big life changes is really a matter of asking yourself the right questions, listening to the answers, and taking action from a place of belief. Once you get the hang of this, you really can do just about anything you put your mind to.

Making positive changes takes away the feeling of dread, oppression, and burnout that come from living life feeling like you’re stuck in a box.

Implementing some of these thoughts in your own life will help you stop burnout forever, start creating the life you choose, and lighten the load of external expectations.

If my words resonate with you, but you feel like you could use some help cultivating better self-talk, asking yourself the right questions, and empowering yourself to change your own life for the better, I invite you to book a free “Meet and Greet” to talk about what is happening in your world and what you can do to make it better.