How to Practice Not Drinking

For so many people, once you hit a certain (ahem) age, it seems that alcohol consumption catches up to the body. Hangovers become more and more common, even from just a little bit of booze, inflammation in the body is the norm, joint aches, puffiness, a general feeling of being unwell… these are just some of the physical things that come from drinking regularly or bingeing frequently.

Maybe this is happening to you. Or perhaps you have just been wanting to stop drinking and haven’t been able to do so. You may go out and have thoughts like “I’ll just have one” (then proceed to have 3). Or maybe “I’m ok, I’m not an alcoholic. I can handle this. I get to work every day and take care of the important stuff. I don’t have a problem with alcohol.” But then find yourself unable to stick to a plan for how many drinks you will have or how many days a week you will drink or any other number of thoughts you may think. Or perhaps you think something like, “I’ve been working so hard/work has been so tough this week/it’s been a long day, so a drink or two will take the edge off.” Then find yourself having more than one or two and waking up (again) with a hangover, starting work 3 hours later than you intended, and slogging through a day where you really needed to rock and roll so you could enjoy the weekend. Guess it means another Saturday at the office instead….

If any of these thoughts - or something similar - resonate with you, rest assured you are not alone. The stats are astounding. Lawyers report “problematic” drinking at rates far greater than the general population. Networking, firm socials, and bar association events all typically include alcohol. It’s common, it’s everywhere, and it almost seems expected of so many of us in our professional world.

The good news is that you can take a break if you make a plan and set yourself up for success. You don’t have to hit that magical “rock bottom” before you decide to turn your personal Titanic-sized martini glass into a normal-sized water goblet. Here are a few things that may help you take a break:

1) Try cutting back first. Alternate a drink with a glass of water. Find another beverage that you really, really like. When I first started taking a break, I found a couple of sparkling water/seltzer flavors that I really liked and would take them with me to social events.

2) Notice what you are thinking or feeling before you have a drink. You know when you go up to the bar at a social event and there’s a thought in your head? Maybe it’s “Oh, I really need a drink for THIS one!” Or perhaps, “Ahhhh, I have had a long day, I totally deserve this!” Doesn’t matter what it is, just noticing what it is can help you figure out what drinking does for you. That’s often left out of the conversation about NOT drinking - a recognition that drinking is serving a purpose, like relieving stress or serving as a reward or offsetting social anxiety. Once you get a handle on what it is that it is doing for you, you can figure out another strategy - one with fewer negative consequences - to address that issue. It’s hard to do that last part, though, if you keep letting drinking be the first in line coping mechanism.

3) Create other ways to solve the problem that alcohol is solving for you now. If it is stress relief, try something else FIRST, before having a drink and see how that goes. Perhaps yoga, meditation (I said it!), breathing exercises or something more physically active, like a hard bike ride, a fitness class, or boxing. If drinking is your reward for a long, hard day of work, try doing something else FIRST before your first glass of wine. Perhaps it’s a bubble bath with an awesome bath bomb from your favorite store, quiet time to read something just for fun with your favorite essential oils going in a diffuser, or whatever else you can think of that does not include alcohol, drugs, food, or buying something (all these other things can simply replace drinking with things that carry their own undesirable consequences).

If it’s feeling socially awkward at events, remember - most people there are drinking. They are likely more worried about their own stuff than wondering if you are drinking or if you seem weird. Go in armed with some questions to ask people during conversation time and just practice listening more. So often, we feel the need to talk and fill space and alcohol can make it easier to keep the chatter going. Try asking deeper questions, like “What do you find most satisfying about the work you do? What is the most challenging?” Or perhaps, “If you could do any year of your life over, what would it be and why?” Or, my favorite, “If you could do anything else for a living, no holds barred, doesn’t have to be rooted in reality, what would it be and why?” Awkwardness is avoided because now you have a plan you can execute at networking or social events. Carry around a glass of Pellegrino with a lime in it and nobody will think there’s anything up other than you’re a pretty cool person who asks interesting questions.

These are just a few techniques that can help you cut back or take a break from drinking if that is something you have been struggling to do. Find and listen to podcasts if that’s your thing that can encourage you to keep practicing. My favorite is Rachel Hart’s Take a Break Podcast. You can find it by clicking here. I signed up for her program back in July of this year (2022) and it was the missing link I needed to be able to stop drinking. I intended to stick it out for the 30 day take a break period, but it’s now November 2022 as I write this and I don’t miss it. I enjoy my social conversations more, I don’t wake up with low-grade hangovers anymore (yay!), my body no longer feels like it is in a constant state of inflammation, and my rings all fit again. I have stayed in the program and feel I get value from her monthly programming that comes out each month after the initial 30 day take a break phase. It costs about $200 a month, but I definitely save more than that by not drinking. If her podcast speaks to you and you feel like you need a next step, I recommend checking it out.

Life Coaching 101 - Tips for Changing Your Life (It Starts In Your Mind)

There are very few absolute truths I believe in these days.

One of them, however, is that each of us has what we need inside somewhere, maybe deep, deep down (buried under all the society and work BS that we’ve been programmed over the years to accept as tolerable, necessary, or even desirable to achieve career goals) to change our lives for the better, no matter what is going on.

If you go searching for stories of triumph, success, or overcoming horrific things in the world, you will find such stories. There are many of them. Tales of people surviving unimaginable circumstances who emerge victorious and go on to change the world.

You don’t have to be mired in something as awful as the worst thing you can imagine, however, to feel a deep need to make changes. It may even feel painful where you’re at, but you hide or mask it well. That someone else has endured worse does not at all minimize or take away from your own pain or discomfort.

Every human deserves to feel good. Period. Including you.

So, how can you do that?

The first, and easiest, way to begin changing your own life for the better is to notice the things you think every day. The things you think about the world around you, your ability to accomplish things, what it might mean when you do.

We humans so often sit around, feeling shitty, waiting for the world to change around us so that we ourselves can feel better.

The reality is that we have a lot more control over the world around us than many of us think.

It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like a victim of circumstance. All the time.

Despite being a lawyer, working in Boston’s Financial District, sometimes even kicking ass and taking names, things that happened around me would piss me off. A lot. Sometimes even all the time.

I remember thinking how great it would be if something changed at work, or if my spouse would stop or start doing this or that, or if the guy at Starbucks could just get my freaking order right (seriously, that dude was awesome and my order was wrong maybe once or twice out of many, but boy was I mad when it happened - the product of having not enough extra time to wait for a do-over).

Grande, breve, no foam latte, please!

What I learned since then is that I don’t have to be upset all the time. I can change the things in my life that aren’t working, and give myself the space and permission to have more of what I do want in my life. I can let myself be happy, even when things aren’t going exactly the way I want them to and even if I don’t want to accept those things as ok. Happiness is state of mind, not a state of circumstance. I’ve found it in my own life, even when things go wrong.

So can you.

Here’s how it happens:

First, acknowledge that your thoughts are what ultimately lead to your experiences. The reason for this is that your thoughts actually create your feelings, and your feelings shape your actions. Your actions are what lead to your experiences in life. Where you are now is the product of all the macro and micro actions you have taken in life. Seeing this is one of those big “aha” moments that can be life changing.

Second, choose your thoughts with intention. Someone once said that everything in the world is created twice - first in someone’s mind and then in the physical world of our reality. That is true with everything that is happening in your world now. You have had an incalculable number of thoughts over the years that have caused you to feel a certain way, which led you to take actions, and boom - here you are! The good news, is this concept is not here to cause you to beat yourself up about where you are if it is not where you want to be, but to highlight that you get to choose where you go next. If you don’t believe it’s possible to change things in your life, it will be hard to feel inspired and take actions that lead to change. Shifting your beliefs into a place where you feel change is possible is essential.

If you are the type of person that has random thoughts popping into your mind all the time, guess what? That’s common! That’s what our brain is supposed to do - think thoughts. If you allow whatever thoughts come along to be the thoughts you think, it’s kind of like what happens during the summer when dandelions go to seed. They float around and land in places, maybe in your yard. If your yard has a lot of space or the lawn is not very healthy, those dandelions are more likely to take root and grow, even expand and eventually give rise to more dandelion seeds floating around. If you plant grass, water it, fertilize it, and take care of it, then that’s what you are planting and growing. The choice is yours - plant intentional thought seeds in your brain like the grass you want to grow - if that’s what you want to grow (it can be wildflowers, or micro-clover, or whatever else you want to grow!), or allow whatever the wind blows around to land and take root. Those unintentional thought seeds can come from your own mind, social media, friends, family, books you’ve read or movies you’ve watched.

Third, decide what thoughts you WANT to think so that you can take action to get where you want to go, even if that destination is “anywhere but where I’m at.” Think those thoughts, reinforce them (sticky notes, dry erase markers on your bathroom mirror, and/or updating your passwords with those reminders are great tools here), and embrace them. Tweak them if necessary. They are the key to changing your life. Truly. Trust me.

Last, but not least, surround yourself with people - in person or virtually - who have a mindset you want to be around, people who are changing their own lives. Don’t hang around with naysayers. Share what you’re working on with your family and friends if it feels right to you and ask if they will support you with your goals. Ask them if they have something that you can support them in achieving.

And no matter what, I believe 100% that you can make the changes you want to make.

It’s possible to do it all yourself, but just like learning something new - playing the guitar, hitting a tennis ball, or training a dog - it is easier to learn faster with a coach. If you would like to find out more about what it is like to work with me, reach out and book a free Meet and Greet and we’ll talk about where you are, where you want to go, and how I can support you in getting there.

Take care and have a great day! Oh, and be nice to the baristas of the world :)

Could We All Just Stop Saying “Work-Life Balance?”

The notion that working professionals who achieve a “work-life balance” are happiest has always felt a bit off for me. It’s not quite so binary as work vs. life. The visual that comes to mind is that of a seesaw with work often being the heavier of the two, which leaves life always up in the air, feeling helpless with no way to reach the ground.

The reality is, there is so much more to life than just the opposite of work. When work and life are integrated as part of a holistic, healthy whole being, that’s where happiness is found.

Humans are social creatures. Our basic needs go far, far beyond just food, water, shelter, making money, and feeling chained to a desk. Studies show that we are happiest when we feel in control of our lives, our work, and our destiny. When we have meaningful, fulfilling relationships, when we have creative outlets that bring us joy, and when we put our skills to meaningful use, we achieve life harmony, not work life balance.

For many accomplished, experienced professionals, a sense of wellness can feel elusive or even impossible. The demands of work, the stress of dealing with heavy issues that impact other people’s lives, and feeling shackled with golden handcuffs (“I can’t quit this job, I’ll never make enough money doing something else!”) can feel like a heavy, wet blanket dampening the joy and the spark you may have felt many years ago.

The good news is, that spark never goes out. Joy can always be found.

For some people, it can be found by making a few pretty easy tweaks to day-to-day living. For others, it may take a little more work and some major life changes (a new job, a new relationship, a new place to live). For others still, it may take a whole life makeover and a total career change.

All of those things are possible. There is no one “best” way to find the holy grail of happiness. Each person is different. What’s right for one may not be right for you.

If you find yourself longing for some changes in your own life, but you’re not sure where to start, that’s ok. Just take a step or two somewhere. It doesn’t matter if you change direction somewhere down the path because you’ll never get to that turn if you don’t start walking.

The Wheel of Life

An easy place to start moving towards holistic happiness is by taking a look at the Wheel of Life. The Wheel provides a great reference point for parts of your life you haven’t thought about in years - or ever. Take a look at each area and rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the lowest level of satisfaction, 10 being the highest). Do not dwell and overthink your number or over think what the categories are or mean. Just look and write down your 1-10 score.

If you have 10 out of 10 in all categories, then congrats! Let us know what is working for you so we can share with the others!

If you are not a 10 out of 10, identify 1 or 2 areas to work on first - tackling a whole life overhaul is possible, but it’s not easy. Doing one thing at a time will lead to easier (and bigger) increases in happiness and life satisfaction. Trying to do too much all at once is likely to take longer and can lead to burnout, frustration, and giving up too soon.

Decide you are going to improve your score in the area or two that you choose and commit to it, no matter what. Next, ask yourself whether you believe you can improve your score in that area. If the answer is no, dig in and figure out why you don’t believe it’s possible. Odds are it is one of three things - either you:

1) don’t believe in yourself and your ability to make changes;

2) don’t believe there is a methodology in existence that will help you make the changes (maybe you’ve tried things before that didn’t work); or

3) don’t believe that your objective is possible for anyone.

If any of those things come up, take a few minutes to cross examine your thoughts. Are they really true? Are there times you have shown yourself capable of making changes in other areas of life? Are there a ton of ways out there to help people with this area of life? If your thought is “no,” have you looked recently? Can you identify any other people who have figured out the thing you would like to accomplish?

Ultimately, every macro and micro choice you have made in your life has led you right here to the place you are in today. That does not mean you should beat yourself up if you are feeling any dissatisfaction in life. It’s actually good news because now that you are aware of the concept, you can begin to create things you WANT in your life, instead of just reacting to the circumstances that have popped up around you. You get to take control of the vessel of your life.

Once you have clarity on the things you want to change, choose a process to get you there (it may be a book, an online program, a coach, or a group you join). Figure out an accountability plan to keep you motivated and moving. Coaches and group programs have that built in. If you are going it on your own, using sticky notes, updating passwords to words of encouragement, and dry erase marker notes on your bathroom mirror are simple ways to remind you of your goals and encourage yourself daily.

What areas of your life would you like to improve? What changes would you like to make? If working with a coach is something you would like to explore in making your own big - or little - life changes, reach out and book a free Meet and Greet. We will talk about where you are in life and where you want to go and co-create a plan for what that looks like. In the meantime, do your Wheel of Life!

You Don’t Have to Go Away to Have a Retreat – How to Create Your Own Retreat at Home

Now that the world is pretty much back to business as usual – so many meetings, so many after school events, so many upcoming holiday gatherings – you might find yourself craving some quiet moments to unwind, unplug, or just for reflection. You may even feel like you desperately need some quiet time for yourself. A retreat is a great way to unplug, reset, and reconnect to who you are at your core. You don’t have to go away, however - a retreat at home can be just as meaningful and relaxing as traveling to a cabin in the woods or a resort in the mountains.

Calm your mind and lift your spirits with these suggestions for hosting your own retreat at home.

Setting Goals for a Home Retreat

There are many types of retreats. Setting a goal and forming an intention for your retreat will help narrow your options and guide your plans.

You might want to try one of these popular goals:

1. Rest and relax. Relieving stress may be your top priority. Just one morning of restorative yoga and deep breathing could reduce inflammation and improve sleep issues.

2. Increase your mindfulness. Living in the present moment and letting go of judgements builds resilience. Center your retreat around meditation and other mindfulness exercises.

3. Deepen your spirituality. Retreats can be adapted for any religious or personal beliefs. Your mind is the only thing you need to have a sacred experience.

Preparing for a Home Retreat

Take care of the details in advance. That way you can settle back and nourish yourself when your retreat day rolls around. Perhaps choose a weekend when the kids are busy with sports or other activities. Schedule a sleepover at a friend’s or family member’s house for them so you can have your time to yourself. Offer to do the same in return and spread the home retreat love. Protect your retreat time block fiercely once you get it in the calendar and commit to your retreat - no matter what temptations arise (like going out for margaritas instead or laundry - just say no to spending your day doing laundry instead).

Consider these ideas:

1. Arrange your space. Maybe you already have a meditation room or a nook with your own calm reflection space. Whatever space you use, try to find somewhere quiet and decorate it with objects that inspire you. If you don’t already have something in place, perhaps put that first on the agenda for your retreat – creating your own sacred space – where work and worries are banished for the time you are there. Spend a few minutes online looking for objects you want to incorporate into your space or find a local shop to purchase some bling for your space and have them ready for retreat day. There is no right or wrong approach here - nature, woowoo, or manly leather will work. Whatever environment helps you feel calm, relaxed and inspired. Use an essential oil diffuser to create a spa-like fragrance throughout your home to support your relaxation (I do this in my office regularly - it does help lower stress, if only in my own mind and that’s all that counts!).

2. Create a program. Would you host a meeting without an agenda? A written program will help you structure your activities and use your time constructively. Things to consider including – yoga, meditation, journaling, brainstorming about life and what you want to change within it, making a vision board, going for a hike, walking around in the grass barefoot, leaf hunting, scrapbooking, paper airplane making – really, anything goes here. Do things that sound fun, relaxing, calming, and definitely fall into the “hell, yeah!” category.

3. Browse for resources. Access a vast selection of videos, podcasts, eBooks, and more without leaving home. Search your local library or visit the websites of organizations like Tricycle magazine and Insight Meditation. I am a big fan of Insight Timer as a meditation app. If you choose to do some arts and crafts projects (highly recommend – there is something magical about finger painting as an adult or coloring outside of the lines (I dare you to!)) look for some videos online to inspire creativity.

4. Connect with others. For more fun and enrichment, be social. Invite your partner or children living at home to join you. Organize a group of friends to schedule a retreat on the same day and share some of your sessions in person or online.

5. Limber up. Leave your retreat with happy memories rather than a sore back. Stretch daily so you’ll be comfortable sitting for longer periods. Yoga, yoga, yoga.

6. Feed your body, mind, and soul. Put things on your retreat agenda that feed all aspects of who you are. Enjoy healthy but delicious spa food at home. foster your creativity, get outside, buy a new journal to write down things like all the dreams you had when you were 18 that maybe you have since forgotten (they’re still in there somewhere, trust me!). Ask yourself “What do I need most right now?” as you create your plan for your retreat. Most importantly, give yourself some unfilled white space for your retreat time to do nothing or just go with the flow and do whatever the heck you want.

Enjoying Your Home Retreat

If you become sleepy or restless while meditating, you may run into similar obstacles during a retreat.

Some simple ideas like these will help you stay on track:

1. Start small. Don’t try to include too many things for your first retreat and don’t try to overdo it with the things you do include. If meditation is on your list, but you are “terrible” at it or have struggled with it in the past, start small. Three minutes of focused meditation beats an hour of fidgeting and daydreaming. Respect your limits. Allow yourself to progress gradually.

2. Limit distractions. Turn off your phone and forget about checking messages for a while. Ask others not to disturb you except for emergencies. Unless you really want to make sure you do all the things on your agenda, in which case use a timer to keep you on track.

3. Schedule breaks. Pause for 10 or 20 minutes in between each session. Stretch and walk around. Drink a glass of water or a cup of herbal tea.

4. Dress comfortably. Layer your clothing so you can avoid becoming too cold or too warm. Choose soft garments with a loose fit. Keep a light wrap handy that you can drape over your shoulders. Maybe get yourself some crazy hippie outfit if you don’t already have one to hang around in during your retreat.

5. Eat light. Foods and beverages that are easy to digest will keep your stomach peaceful too. Prepare or buy meals and snacks in advance. Good choices include yogurt with fruit, good green juices or smoothies, and lentil soups. Treat yourself like you’re going to a weekend retreat in the Berkshires and eat accordingly.

6. Transition back. You may have little to show for your retreat if you rush back to binge-watching reality shows. Enjoy a closing ritual like drumming, chanting or self-massage. Try to remain calmer, quieter, and more deliberate as you resume ordinary tasks.

Once you’ve completed your first home retreat, it’s time to start thinking about putting the next one on your calendar. Blocking out time regularly for relaxation and contemplation will help keep you strong and well.

If all these tips for a home retreat have gotten you thinking you want to attend one in-person, there are so many out there! Big Life Leaps is hosting our next retreat in early 2023 in New Hampshire’s White Mountains. Want to join us? Click here for more info and to sign up.

Recognize the 3 Kinds of Burnout and Learn How to Fix Them

Happy Halloween!

If you feel like you’re constantly wearing a happy face on the outside to mask the burnout you’re feeling inside, today may be the day you can take that costume off for good. Odds are it isn’t fooling anyone.

It’s natural for energy levels to fluctuate from day to day, but full-fledged burnout can undermine your happiness and derail your career. Take a look at the different kinds of burnout and some strategies for dealing with them.

Researchers at a Spanish university discovered at least 3 distinct subtypes of burnout – burnout caused by overload, boredom, and just being worn down and out over time. What they all have in common is the potential to leave you feeling drained and hopeless if they’re allowed to continue and build up unaddressed over time.

Finding more meaningful connection to the work you do is the best protection of all, but if you are not sure where to start on that journey, it may take awhile until you get there. While you’re searching for that deeper career fulfillment (another topic altogether), these techniques will help your workdays feel less taxing.

Overload Burnout:
This may be you if you typically push yourself to exhaustion. You may also be prone to complaining about office policies and practices that seem to hold you back as a way of venting your frustrations. You are likely sacrificing your own physical health and wellbeing for your job. Your family may be asking you to stop working so hard or be more present when you are at home.

 1.      Set reasonable goals. Be realistic about your capacity and schedule. Calculate what it will take to complete a project before you commit. Learn to say no. Anticipate what additional resources you may require and ask for them before you need them.
2.      Focus on solutions. Even if your complaints are valid, chronic complaining may darken your mood and drive people away. Brainstorm and propose constructive alternatives when faced with a challenging situation.
3.      Review your accomplishments. Make a list of your significant victories and their importance. Relive the time you negotiated a great deal or brought in an amazing client.
4.      Work on your personal life. Excessive hours at the office could be a sign that you’re trying to compensate for shortcomings in other aspects of your life. Engage in spiritual practices, strengthen your relationships, or take up a hobby. Calendar your priorities outside of work and treat them as appointments you must keep.

Boredom Burnout:

Maybe you feel like you’re coasting at work. People experiencing this type of burnout also tend to be vulnerable to cynicism, neglect and avoid obligations, and avoid difficult issues to distance themselves from the boring work.

 1.      Tackle a challenge. Volunteer for a demanding assignment. Pick something that will give you a chance to acquire new knowledge and learn additional skills. Brainstorm ideas of things you can do at work that are more interesting and integrate them into your work. Good employers will value and reward your efforts.
2.      Look on the bright side. Counter cynicism by reflecting on the positive qualities of the people and events you encounter. Remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for and document them daily for awhile to remind yourself of the good things you have in life.
3.      Socialize more. You can find stimulation and purpose, even if your job consists of routine tasks. Just concentrate on what you can do to help others. Brighten your supervisor’s day by delivering a sincere compliment or please a customer or client by being extra attentive.
4.      Communicate directly. Train yourself to address conflicts head on. Be tactful when you say what’s on your mind. Ask for what you truly want.

Worn Out Burnout:

If you have worthy goals but find it difficult to achieve them, this could describe you. You’ve tried things in the past, attempted to set and reach goals, then feel disappointed when things don’t work out – you’ve basically given up at this point. Ask yourself if your motivation sinks when you encounter barriers and stress.

 1.      Plan ahead. Take the long view when you’re starting a project. Picture the typical obstacles that you’ll likely meet along the way and be prepared to address them. Figure out who you can contact for expert advice or where you can locate additional assistance.
2.      Develop relaxation techniques. Stress is part of most jobs and shows up in life in lots of ways. Identify and rely on methods that dissolve tension for you. Listen to instrumental music, pet your dog, sign up for yoga classes, or find an active stress reliever like kick boxing or tennis.
3.      Renew your motivation. Give yourself periodic reminders of why your work is important to you. You may discover multiple sources of gratification, including supporting your family and contributing to society. Explore volunteer work if it fits within your schedule, as it may lead you to discover another area in which you may want to work.

Before you consider handing in your resignation, spot your personal brand of burnout and spend a bit of time to see if you can overcome it in your current job before moving on. Otherwise you may just keep repeating the same patterns at different jobs. If this happens, you’ll just be feeling burned out and stressed out by the pressure of learning a new job in a new community and dealing with the same old issues anyway. Taking constructive action can make your job less stressful and more satisfying. If you eventually discover what is truly causing your burnout now and address it, you’re more likely to find satisfaction in your next role, whatever it may be.

13 Bedtime Rituals for Better Sleep

When you were little, you probably had bedtime rituals that helped you go to sleep. Maybe your parents told you to put on your pajamas and brush your teeth. Maybe they read you one last story and checked under your bed for monsters.

As an adult, you’re more likely to be thinking about your job and monthly bills rather than monsters, but you can invent your own late-night practices to ensure you get the rest you need.

Consider these ideas for 13 bedtime rituals that encourage mindfulness, better sleep, and peaceful dreams.

Bedtime Rituals for Your Body:

1. Slow down. Are you still thinking about work and rushing through housework up until you go to bed? Give yourself some downtime in the evening and move at a more leisurely pace.
   

2. Dim the lights. When your eyes are looking at bright screens on your phone and TV, your brain is getting stimulated too. Shut down electronic devices at least two hours before bed. Darken your bedroom as well.
   

3. Read a book. Now that you’re offline, try catching up on your reading. Visit your local library to browse the fiction or history shelves. If you prefer an electronic reader, turn the brightness down and use an app or filter to block blue light.
   

4. Breathe deeply. Your breathing can help you manage your emotions. Do exercises that help you focus on inhaling from your abdomen instead of your chest. Diaphragmatic breathing triggers a relaxation response throughout your body. Lengthening your exhalations also reduces stress.
   

5. Eat something light. If you’re distracted by hunger pangs, have a small snack. Pick something that combines a little protein, complex carbohydrates, and healthy fat.
   

6. Tighten your muscles. Progressive muscle relaxation is a proven method for settling down to sleep. Work your way down from head to foot as you tense and relax your muscles in one area at a time.

Bedtime Rituals for Your Mind:

1. Write it down. Perform a nightly mental dump. Make a list of nagging thoughts, urgent errands, and personal goals. Once you put it on paper, you can forget about it for the night knowing that you have a reminder waiting for you. Keep your journal next to your bed - if you wake up in the middle of the night, write down what is on your mind so your brain can let go of those thoughts and you can go back to sleep knowing they will be there for you tomorrow when you can do something about them.
   

2. Count backwards. Counting sheep sometimes works because it’s boring. However, if you find yourself lingering over cute images of sheep, switch to plain numbers and work back from 100.
   

3. Play a game. If you want something restful but a little more fun, use a simple mental word game. Choose a five-letter word and name an item that starts with each letter.
   

4. Listen to music. Music can have a powerful effect on your mood. Play a classic lullaby or soft jazz tunes.
   

5. Hide your clock. Staring at your clock can make you anxious about how many hours you have left before you need to leave for work. Turn the display towards the wall or put your clock on a shelf above your head.
   

6. Take a break. If you’re tossing and turning for more than half an hour, you might benefit from getting up and going to another room until you’re drowsier. Keep the TV off and do something tedious like organizing your sock drawer.
   

7. Meditate and visualize. On the other hand, it works to your advantage if you can stay in bed without feeling anxious about being awake. Use the time to meditate, pray, or enjoy pleasant imagery. You may fall asleep or at least still your mind.

 Having a consistent bedtime routine can help you overcome intrusive thoughts and relax your body and mind. Adopt habits that make it easier for you to regain mindfulness after a busy day and enjoy a full night of high-quality sleep.

5 Life Changing Blogs

Changing your life is not usually something that happens in one particular instant. It is the product of making lots of little changes, staying on a path, and committing to a process. Part of that journey is surrounding yourself with the words and beliefs that support and encourage you to keep moving forward toward the life you really want to live.

Here are 5 of my favorite resources who helped me get started with creating my own life vision and keep going, even when I wasn’t sure where it would lead me.

Lisa Nichols

Lisa Nichols is an amazing motivational speaker who has a voice that could calm just about anything. Her blog posts are short, simple, and to the point. A former struggling single mom on public assistance, she is now a multi-million dollar entrepreneur and her life story is truly inspirational. Her guided visualizations really helped me along that path in the early, foggy days of making big life changes. She is definitely high on my “would love to meet her someday” list! Check her out here:

https://motivatingthemasses.com/blog/

Daily Om

For most of my life, I considered myself agnostic. I felt like there is more to our lives than just our physical day-to-day existence, but I could not quite put my finger on what it was. I did not find any religious leaders out there talking about the things that felt right for me and so I decided early on that religion was not for me. That decision, however, also led me to believe that spirituality was something I would never figure out.

Daily Om helped me change that attitude. They share lots of both spiritual and practical physical tips for living a calm, healthy life. Plus, they offer daily horoscopes (who doesn’t love a good horoscope?).

I’ve taken many of their online courses, which are very reasonably priced on a sliding scale, including: Conscious Parenting (highly recommend), A Year To Simplify Your Life, Heal Your Money Karma, Overcoming Self Sabotage, 21 Day Plant Based Plan for a Lighter Happier You, and Face Yoga. Yes, there are plenty more available and more that I have taken, but those are some highlights!

If you have never taken an online course, but would like to try one to see if it works for your learning style, Daily Om’s pricing makes for an easy entry point to the world of online learning.

Their newsletter is one I open almost every single day.

https://www.dailyom.com/

Martha Beck

Oh, Martha! I really do adore Martha Beck. My cousin introduced me to her work just a year ago and I loved listening to her from the beginning. She reminds me of a comforting aunt who always has the best practical advice, but is also a bit kooky in an endearing sort of way.

She has not one, but three Harvard degrees, including a PhD in sociology and started life coaching people long before life coaching was even a thing. Her life story, too, is fascinating – she grew up Mormon, the daughter of a professor at Brigham Young University, where she returned to teach part-time after the birth of her second child, who has Down Syndrome. Eventually, both she and her now ex-husband left the church and came out as gay. Martha now lives in Pennsylvania with her much younger partner and their new baby.

Martha’s work is focused on listening to your gut and learning to act on it to create a life you want to live. Sound familiar? I found her material so compelling that I actually signed up for her Wayfinder Life Coach Training program earlier this year and am working towards obtaining my ICF certification as a result of it. We really do have all the answers within… just have to learn how to find them.

https://marthabeck.com/blog/

Gabby Bernstein

Gabby Bernstein was the first really “woowoo” person I began to follow. She shares all her true authentic struggles with her audience, from embracing her spiritual side in business to dealing with her own personal addiction and childhood trauma, she has changed a lot of lives and her stories can inspire action. Personally, I found an EMDR therapist after reading her book “Happy Days” and have found it incredibly helpful, even in ways I did not expect. Check her out – if she’s for you, you’ll know right away.

https://gabbybernstein.com/

Louise Hay

Louise feels like another long-lost aunt. Although she died in 2017, her wise words live on in many forms. Her books, recordings, and her publishing company (Hay House) are all still around today and provide content that can be life changing. She wrote her first book in 1976, “Heal Your Body: The Mental Causes of Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them,” which started out as a simple pamphlet she distributed at small community events. She was in her 40s at the time and her book took on life of its own and started a whole new phase of life for her as a teacher and healer.

Her philosophy is that the body tells us what our soul is trying to get us to hear through illness and injury. This approach is not a “never go to the doctor” sort of thing, but it is an invitation to get curious about what is going on in our bodies and use the aches, pains, and illnesses that pretty much all of us experience as an opportunity to identify and treat the root of the problem.

She was also a big tennis fan, so she had that going for her, too (love me some tennis!) 😊  

https://www.louisehay.com/

What I love about all of these resources is that they are a good place to start to shift belief systems about who we are, why we are here, and what we want to do with ourselves in the world. There is not a lot of “this is the only path to happiness” in their words and teachings, but a lot of space and encouragement to explore more about yourself and the ways to live a happier, lighter, better life.

Check them out and let us know your favorite!

Who is Big Life Leaps for?

There are so many pages out there of content, helpful hints, advice, and recommendations, it can be hard to know where to go. Coaches are everywhere, as well. Big Life Leaps is here to help if you are:

1. A member of the “sandwich generation” – a parent of kids and a parent who has parents who sometimes need your parenting (or you are contemplating the day that will arrive)

2. A professional – I’ve been a lawyer for well over 20 years, have worked with countless financial services professionals and C-suite execs, and understand the unique stresses that come with working in a licensed, regulated, or just plain demanding profession

3. Feeling overwhelmed with life, work, and all the things

4. Knowing deep down that there is a better way for you, but you don’t know how to get there

5. Longing to make a big career move, but are worried that you’ll never make the amount of money you do in your current role

6. Wishing you knew how to start up your own business and run it efficiently

7. Wanting to transition into a more fulfilling life all around

8. Struggling with saying no to things you don’t really want to do or that make you feel crappy

9. Seeking ways to create a life where you feel truly valued

10. Wondering if there is more you can do to show up as your authentic self in all areas of your life (without losing your edge or seeming too “out there”)

Ultimately, our philosophy at Big Life Leaps is that all of us has what we need inside of us to change our lives for the better. Accessing it, unlocking it, and applying it to our lives is not something any of us are taught in school. From early ages, we are asked to override that inner voice inside all of us, from not going to the bathroom when you’re in kindergarten because it’s not the right time (according to someone else) to thinking we have to practice law according to old school, outdated law firm practice models (because nobody showed us differently) to believing there is one right way to parent teenagers, the world is full of “how-to” instruction that may or may not give you what you need.

Living life according to other people’s rules, rules that may or may not help you satisfy your own needs, often leads to feelings of burnout, discontent, or just downright unhappiness.

When you access that inner voice of yours – the one that told you years ago that would always be awesome, even when you’re old – and start to listen to it and create the rules you need for your own life, something magical happens… the unpleasant feelings start to slip away and be replaced with much more positive ones. Feelings of happiness, being in control of your life, and confidence that you can trust yourself to get where you want to go take root and grow.

Those positive feelings can either support you in making some big life leaps of your own, or they may just be the by-product of having the courage to leap before the proverbial net appears. No matter how you get there, it’s way better to live life feeling good, isn’t it?

There is always a choice – you can have more fun in life or you can feel like sh*t. Which one is it going to be?

5 Things That Can Shake Your Burnout Forever

There are more blogs, coaches, and methods for changing your life out there than varieties of pumpkin spice things in the world. The best way to change your life, however, is to learn how to think differently about the world so you can facilitate your own big life leaps.

Fall is a time to slow down, reflect, and prepare for what’s next…

It is a beautiful September Sunday morning as I write this post and I find myself contemplating not just the arrival of official pumpkin spice season (whether you are pro or con, it’s here), but also the many things in my own life for which I am truly grateful because they helped me get out of a many years’ long burnout cycle.

Not that long ago, I was miserable - I was in unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships (romantic and otherwise) and I felt like I was working myself to the bone without a lot of return. My income had wild fluctuations, I felt like if I wasn’t working, I was always networking, and there never seemed to be enough time to take care of the things I needed - like the gym, organizing anything at home, or even putting away the already clean laundry before I decided it sat around so long it was no longer clean and should just be washed again (if this one hits home for you, trust that you’re not alone!).

Although I could show up just about any day with a smile on my face, I was feeling dark, stagnant, and unhappy on the inside.

These days, I realize all the discomfort I was experiencing was because I simply was not living my life the way I wanted. I had allowed the expectations and demands of society and others influence what I did and how I felt. There was physical and emotional clutter around me – my life felt so full of things I didn’t even want. My own family and my true friends didn’t enjoy being around me because it wasn’t really me who was showing up. I had no idea whether I could change my life for the better because I felt like I had very little control over it. I was living trapped inside a jack-in-the-box, feeling like the crank was turning, increasing the pressure around me, with taunting music playing constantly; as I felt more and more compressed, I kept waiting for the lid to pop so I could shoot out in an uncontrollable, messy explosion.

Fortunately, I never did explode out of a box. I was able to see that I could actually open the lid myself and step outside on my own. I eventually realized I could create plenty of different boxes of my own choosing or even live outside of a box altogether. Today, the pressure of the external world no longer weighs on me and I believe in my own ability to change things. I see that what I identified as “burnout” was really just the by-product of not living life on my own terms.

I have changed so many things I never thought were possible.

While life today does not always unfurl ahead of me as if I live in a magical, princess movie, full of cute woodland creatures, flower petals dancing all around, and a total absence of bathrooms anywhere (because nobody needs one), I wake up every morning feeling that life is better, far better in fact, than it was ten years ago. I feel like I am control of my schedule, my career, and myself again. I know and value the power of my own choices and I more easily let go of the things I cannot control and that bring anger and frustration.

Today, I share with you five of the biggest things I learned that helped me find the calm, peace, and presence I enjoy in my life now.

Keep it simple

1. Always Simplify

Did you watch “The Good Place?” That show with Ted Danson and Kristen Bell? I did and I loved it. In one of the later seasons, Ted Danson’s character observes that humans have a hard time getting into “The Good Place” these days because of how complex life is. Something as simple as buying a tomato at the grocery store can have all sorts of negative implications such as supporting unethical labor practices, adding to pollution through the use of chemicals, and creating unnecessary energy use related to the transportation of the tomato from the farm to the store.

Every little decision in life does not have to carry with it a thousand pounds of guilt and shame, but the more complicated we allow things to be in our lives, the harder it is to feel good. The simpler life is, the less we have to worry about day by day. There is such a thing as “decision fatigue.” The more decisions we have to make each day, the more exhausted we get. There is a study out there that demonstrates if you have to go to court on a complex matter, you do not want to be the last one up at the end of the day because odds are the judge is tired of making decisions at that point. The human brain can handle only so much analysis and sorting out each day, no matter how smart or analytical you are. The qualify of your decisions declines throughout the day. Rumor has it Mark Zuckerberg (grey t-shirt), Barack Obama (blue or grey suit), and Steve Jobs (the solid black turtleneck) all chose their daily uniform specifically to eliminate an easy round of decision-making every day to free up the mental energy to make more important decisions.

Their thinking is not displaced. So many things in life are complicated for no valid reason. The over-complication of life is something I have contemplated since I was a little kid. I so often questioned why things are the way they are and thought of ways to do things differently. Perhaps you did, too.

But when we go to school, start working, or just go about day-to-day life there are so many naysayers out there who quickly shoot down questions, especially “why.” It’s so easy to override our little voice inside (more on that later) telling us there is a better, easier way when the world seems full of people who want you to think otherwise.

Stopping to take a look at your own overwhelmed life to see what is complicated, feels hard, and takes away time from things you really want to be doing (other than the complicated, hard things) can help you get control over what is happening in your life. My mental playlist around complicated stuff now goes like this:

“Is there an easier way to do this thing?”

“Would it be better to hire someone else to do this thing?”

“Wait, is this thing even something that needs to be done at all?”

Going through a dialogue like this helps me clear the clutter of life that doesn’t need to be there. Simplicity is powerful – even if it may not feel that way at first.

2. Believe in Change

If you don’t believe change is possible, you’ll never take steps to get there. It’s common sense – if you’re trying to get to Chicago and you start driving along and come to a road, but you have no idea whether it is going to take you to Chicago, are you going to go down it? Probably not.

But if you believe you can get to Chicago, even if you don’t know the way, you’ll start looking for answers. You are probably going to research in advance and plan ahead of time. Odds are, you will use GPS to get you there unless you already know the way. Even if you have never made that journey, however, you will still believe that your chosen path will lead you to Chicago if you have done some investigating.

You also do not need to know all the details to start planning the journey and taking steps to get there. If you were going to Chicago, you would probably choose a driving route or book a flight, probably make a hotel and even some restaurant reservations. But you likely will not plot out every single step along the way, nor will you schedule every single moment. Some parts of every journey just have to unfold.

Once you research how to get there, where to stay when you arrive, and what to do when you are there, you will probably have a pretty firm belief in your ability to take a trip to Chicago. Otherwise, you’ll never leave the house.

Life is the same – you can do some legwork to figure out where you want to go. If you begin searching for ways to get to where you want to go, you’ll find them. You don’t have to have made the journey already to believe you’ll get there. You’ll get there by starting on the path and letting the journey unfold, believing that you’re going to get there.

Searching for people who are living the way you desire and learning from them can be an important step in developing belief and in helping you find the tools you need for your own life change journey. Which leads me to my next tip…

3. Choose Community Consciously

The naysayers I mentioned before? If you have a lot of them in your life, it’s time to stop hanging around them and find your tribe of belief and support. A lot of people who have journeyed from a not so good place to a better life often want to help those behind them. Still other people are just really good at teaching others how to do certain things in life. The world is abundant with people who can help you find your own path to change. It is up to you to seek them out and spend time with them, whether it is through reading their blogs, books, or social media posts, finding them in networking groups, or going to retreats or events where people are doing the things you want to do in your own life.

When you surround yourself with people whose own ideas and way of life is positive, it will raise you up, too. That saying “Your tribe is your vibe?” It’s true. If you’re not sold on the concept, just try hanging out with some other people and see what happens in your life.

4. Listen to Your Inner Voice

We all have one – including you. It’s that little voice that tells you things you think you have no business knowing and it often gets drowned out by society, teachers, other people (the naysayers again), colleagues, media, social media.

The reality is that you usually know what is best for YOU. Reconnecting to that voice requires taking a break, finding some quiet, and just listening now and then. When we ignore the voice, it finds other ways to make its wishes known – sometimes through meltdowns (ever have those?), injuries or illnesses (ever ask them what they are trying to tell you? Yes, it may just be “go to the doctor,” but sometimes there is more than that being said), or just feeling like an unhappy pile of crap all the time (not gonna change unless you change).

The little voice inside also has a great deal of wisdom about what you can and cannot control. Learning to listen to it and focus on what you can change (this means things you can do) and not worrying about things you cannot (things other people do). Before your mind spins off around current events, work stuff, or other things that you personally may or may not have the power to change, remember that letting go of concern about what other people do does not equate with silently allowing things to happen around you. It’s really a matter of balancing the actions you can take with your own expectations about what those actions will accomplish. When I learned to look at what I am willing to do, even if it has zero impact on someone else, and doing just that, responding to things outside my control began to get a lot easier and less stressful.

That little voice usually has all the right answers, you just have to learn to hear what it has to say and act accordingly.

5. Get Out of the Box – Literally

You may not be in a literal box, but if you feel like you are stuck in some boxes created by others – whether it’s parenting, life partnering, working, or something else – getting out of that environment for a bit can give you the space and opportunity to reflect on what is going on in your life and what you want to change. This is why so many people go away on self-discovery trips, solo hikes in the woods, or retreats and come back with a whole new outlook on life.

When we are living day-to-day, going through the motions, honoring other people’s expectations, and feeling like we don’t even know who we are anymore, it is almost impossible to step away and look at what we can and cannot control. If you feel super stuck in your life and want to change, but aren’t really sure how to start, create a little mini-retreat for yourself. Perhaps it’s a weekend away in the Berkshires, or maybe it’s just an afternoon at a local coffee shop with a journal. Pick somewhere that is decidedly different from your usual physical space, brain dump what is not working for you right now, and brainstorm ways to change those things. Perhaps look at what things are no longer working for you and decide whether now is a time to get rid of them, or just start working on a way to transition to something else.

---

No matter where you are in life right now, you absolutely can make changes that work for you. If you ever find yourself feeling stuck in a rut with no way out, begin by looking at what is really going on versus what you are thinking about what is going on. It is very, very rare that you truly have no choices or the choices in life are either/or, such as:

“I can either make more money or be happy.”

“I can either be with this partner or be happy.”

“I can either live where I do or move somewhere else to be happy.”

“I can either have a successful career or be a more present, available parent.”

“I can either have fun or save money.”

Instead of allowing these thoughts to control your life, start asking yourself “How do I …?” As in “How do I make more money AND be happy?”

Making big life changes is really a matter of asking yourself the right questions, listening to the answers, and taking action from a place of belief. Once you get the hang of this, you really can do just about anything you put your mind to.

Making positive changes takes away the feeling of dread, oppression, and burnout that come from living life feeling like you’re stuck in a box.

Implementing some of these thoughts in your own life will help you stop burnout forever, start creating the life you choose, and lighten the load of external expectations.

If my words resonate with you, but you feel like you could use some help cultivating better self-talk, asking yourself the right questions, and empowering yourself to change your own life for the better, I invite you to book a free “Meet and Greet” to talk about what is happening in your world and what you can do to make it better.

How to ride a tidal wave when it shows up in life

It’s so good to be back….

Whew! The last year or so has been a whirlwind of, well, life stuff. I’m sure I’m not the only who feels that way and I know I am not special or unique for having life circumstances take me off track for all the grand plans I had for the last several months.

There are as many life situations that can throw you off guard as there are people in the world. Personally, I was very oversubscribed - my kids’ schedules were varied and the driving duties were demanding - and I have a family member who has an addiction problem (never thought I would use all the CPR classes I took as a ski patroller in my own home, but I am grateful I knew what to do when an overdose occurred – more on that in another blog coming soon).

I am happy to report that now I can breathe easily again.

The kid activities are over for the summer. My older one is currently living out of state for the next couple months and my younger one is off to boarding school this fall at the school she has dreamed of going to since she was a little kid.

The family member with an addiction problem is safely in a program and now has four months of clean sobriety under his belt. Definitely another cause to celebrate.

We all go through our stuff in life. What we do about it, how we feel about it, and how we get through it is up to us. Our feelings come from our thoughts - our thoughts about anything that happens around us in life. When we learn to notice and cultivate our thoughts, we can definitely change the way we feel. Even when we can’t change the circumstances of things happening around us.

For me, I got through this tough time in my own life by relying heavily on several tools I have received over the years from various coaches and classes I have taken, including my own intensive coach certification program. During this challenging period of life, I did what I needed to get by – I took care of my existing clients, I did the work I had in the pipeline, I brushed my teeth and walked the dog (most days).

I had to let go of a lot of things I wanted and planned for in my life. Some travel plans got canceled. The writing I love to do fell to the wayside. My house can definitely use a big, massive decluttering this summer after choosing to let my big organizing plans wait a bit longer. My big coaching business development plans for the year (fun events galore, regular writing, and a spring retreat) stagnated and ground to a halt. I did only the things I had to do, no more.

But I am here. I made it. I didn’t break, even though some days I thought I might.  

Let me share with you some of the tools that helped me stay sane during all of this….

1)      Learning that the cycles of life are just that – cycles. Sometimes life blows up and everything we have come to know is suddenly different. It’s like a big tidal wave comes in and changes the landscape completely. When that happens, there isn’t much we can do other than ride the wave until we can get out of it safely. When we fight it, it’s harder to stay afloat or upright, or maybe we sink underwater or even drown. “Go with the flow” became a regular mantra. As did “impermanence is the only constant in life – this too shall pass.”

2)      Giving myself time to rest instead of staying in go-go-go mode to try to “get it all done.” When an animal is wounded, they hunker down and wait to allow their body to heal. After a big life blowup, that’s sometimes the best we can do for ourselves – hunker down and let time pass so we can heal in ways we may not even realize we need. Usually we stay in fight or flight mode longer than necessary. Once the immediate danger passes, it’s time to go to ground for a bit until we are ready to move again.

3)      Reminding myself daily (sometimes many times throughout the day) that there are things I can control and things I cannot. Letting go of worrying about the things I cannot control and brainstorming how best to deal with the things I can impact was a tiring, but effective, exercise. It gets easier the more I do it, though, and it always feels like a weight lifts off my shoulders when I realize I am trying to control something that is not within my power to change – and then stop trying to do so.

4)      Focusing on the “MED” – minimum effective dose. Like so many of us, I have definitely suffered from perfectionist complex. Over the last several months, I had to focus on doing perfectionist work only when it was required and cutting myself some slack on the things that just needed to be done, not “perfect” – whatever that is or was. I had to work hard to apply the 85% Rule - most things are good enough if they are 85%. It takes a lot of energy to get everything to 100%.

5)      Asking myself every morning “What do I need most today?” Then listening and trusting the answer. Sometimes the answer was “be around other people.” Other days it was “not be around other people.” Some days I had a check list of work projects to complete and that was all I needed to focus on. Many days it was “go for a walk.” Most days it was as simple as “drink more water.”

Whether you’re in your own big life tidal wave time right now or not, these ideas may help you deal with whatever life throws your way so you can manage yourself until you find calmer waters. Life is going to happen. Things outside of your control will occur. How you deal with it and take care of yourself during it is all up to you.

What do you need most for yourself today? Drop a comment below – your thoughts may be just what someone else needed to see.

And if you’ve been feeling you could use some coaching of your own to get through a tidal wave stage of life, feel free to book a complimentary meet and greet session to learn more about how we work and whether we can help you with your life stuff.

3 Little Love Notes to Write to Yourself

Do you love yourself?

I mean truly love yourself?

If you just scoffed a bit at the idea, I’ll share with you that was me not too many years ago.

I don’t remember the exact moment that I didn’t really love – or even like – myself, but when I had that “aha” moment, I knew that was something I needed to change.

We can move away from annoying neighbors, avoid dealing with irritating family members, go to a different coffee shop if our usual one hired surly staff, but we can never avoid ourselves. We can try as much as we like, but ultimately, we’re there with ourselves all day, every day.

Kinda sucks to spend all day with someone we don’t love or even like, doesn’t it?

One technique for you to begin loving yourself is to remind yourself every day that you matter, that your priorities are an important part of taking care of yourself, that you always have a choice about what you do.

After all, nobody else can take better care of you than you.

Leaving little love notes with those reminders so they are the first thing you see in the morning will help you make conscious choices with your time every single day.

So you will do more of the things that show you love and value yourself.

By the way… choosing to love yourself even if you feel like nobody else around you does can be a huge catalyst for actually changing the way the people around you see and treat you. This is potent and powerful stuff here…

Here are 3 of my favorite little notes. Write them on a Post-It Note and put them somewhere conspicuous, or use a dry erase marker to leave yourself a reminder on your bathroom mirror each night of something you want to see first thing in the morning to start your day off on the right foot:

1)      “What do I need most today?”

How often do you wake up, look at your phone (which probably serves as an alarm clock, too), then get sucked into the email drama that magically appeared overnight like mushrooms in a forest?

Or how often do you have a food plan for the week, but walk out of the house without your salad you so carefully assembled the night before (maybe because you were thinking about the aforementioned emails), then say “screw it” and just order something that is decidedly not a salad from DoorDash so you don’t even have to leave your desk at the office?

How often do you spend a weekend planning out what you need most for the week, only to let it slip away until Thursday when you remember, “Oh, I meant to do all this stuff for myself this week?”

Writing a note asking yourself every morning what you need most not only reminds you of what you need, but it reminds you to make the choices you need to meet that need.

2)      “Do what feels best.”

It’s easy to get stuck in the day-to-day grind of things that we allow to take over our lives. Work, kids, school, family needs. It’s easy to forget what we need, and what feels good for ourselves. The things that truly feel good are usually what are best for us.

Now, that doesn’t equate with an invitation to indulge in a box of chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of wine just to feel good. If we stop to think about the stuff that feels good for the long run, we can more easily shift our behavior from doing what feels good in the moment to doing things that have more longer lasting positive outcomes. If it really is the cookies and wine, then have at it. But do it with mindfulness and recognition that you made that choice consciously. You can follow up later with a question about what feels best for a long term goal or for your health – the words are yours to choose – but just pausing to think about what truly feels like your best choice in the moment will lead to making more conscious choices.  

What feels best may be taking more frequent breaks during the work day to go outside and feel grass beneath your feet, smell the air, and see the sun. It could be choosing an apple over something that will cause a sugar rush, like a bag of empty calorie chips. Or it may be making plans to see someone that you enjoy seeing and haven’t reached out to in awhile.

That little reminder on your mirror in the morning can remind you to pay attention to the choices you make all day.

3)      “I love me more.”

This is a powerful little note. So often we humans get caught in the people-pleasing cycle of doing things for others because we don’t know how (or just don’t want) to say no. We may do it out of a sense of obligation or duty. It’s good to love others, we need connections for survival and love makes us thrive. There are studies out there that show even house plants do better when people talk to them as they water them. Same is true for us. We thrive when we receive love and positive words from others.

It’s all fine and dandy to love others, but if we fall into a pattern of giving more away than we receive, it can be draining. We can’t pour from an empty cup. When we take care of our own stuff, care for ourselves, we fill our cup. When our cup is full and we know how to keep filling it, we can share with others without taking away from ourselves.

This one little thought – “I love me more” – isn’t a sign of selfishness. It’s a reminder to fill your cup. Love yourself enough to take care of you. Then see how things change in the way you love others. There’s more to give!

These are all just suggestions. I strongly encourage cultivating your own practice of writing little love notes to yourself and leaving them where you’ll see them. Give it a shot and see what happens. It won’t cost you more than a package of Post-It Notes.

If you’re interested in finding out how we can support you in scripting your own little love notes for yourself, click here to book a discovery call to find out which coaching solution is for you.

What Are You Holding Onto?

What are you holding onto right now?

Letting go of things that don’t bring us joy was all the rage last year, but it seems that no matter how much stuff we get rid of – whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual clutter – more stuff comes in to fill its place.

Clearing things out is more of an ongoing process than an event, at least in my experience.

This morning, I found that I had something I was carrying around and storing in my hip.

Yes, my hip.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of storing our emotions in our bodies quite yet, I invite you to pay attention to how your body feels the next time someone cuts you off in traffic or you get really irritated with something at work. Notice if you feel tightness or discomfort in your jaw, your neck, or your stomach. Maybe even your chest.

It’s not just anger and irritation that get stored in our physical bodies, but other things, as well.

Old stories about who we are and what we contribute to the world. Outdated beliefs about the possibilities the world holds for us and whether we can change our existing circumstances should we so choose.

My morning walk partner…

Back to my morning walk again - I noticed my hip began to hurt. It’s been bothering me a lot lately, but this morning it seemed ok.

When it kicked in today, I was climbing up a steep hill near my house.

I felt my body tighten, perhaps an instinctual response to protect the joint or lessen the pain.

It didn’t work.

I paused for a moment, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and just mentally checked in on the area.

I felt in an instant that it was something emotional going on, not a physical problem. I wasn’t sure what it was. But I also didn’t need to know anything other than I could physically continue if I made some adjustments.

So I did.

I noticed how I had unconsciously clenched up around the area and had altered my gait in response to the pain.

I realized I had made assumptions that it was going to be a problem this morning.

I observed that I changed that and relaxed, breathed more deeply, and allowed my other joints to move more completely with each step – my ankles, my knees, my other hip.

It worked. I felt better, completed the 3 miles, and got home with no further problems.

After I returned, I sat and reflected for a few minutes on what might have been happening. I uncovered a “thing” I had been holding onto – it was a grudge towards someone I thought I had released a long time ago. I sat with it for a few, contemplated what I still needed to forgive, sent them a little positivity and a mental apology, then let it go.

I felt even better.

If you have some ache or pain bothering you today, stop for a moment to notice how your body is reacting around it. Open your mind to the possibility that it’s something emotional then get to work on letting it go. Perhaps there’s a lot of work to do – if so, stay on it – but sometimes just acknowledging and releasing it is enough.

We don’t have to hold on to things that don’t serve us or that weigh us down. Letting go is simply a matter of choice.

Working with a life coach can change your perspective on… well, a lot of things! Book a free 30 minute chat if you would like to find out if coaching with us is for you.



Feeling Better When Surrounded by Chaos

I’ve been feeling cranky lately.

Moody, irritable, kind of a negative Nelly.

More so than usual – most days I am able to turn on a pretty positive mindset. That hasn’t happened as much lately. I feel it’s been the reason I’ve acted in ways I don’t really like – reactive, withdrawing, avoiding others. Not like me at all.

Instead of letting this stuff spiral on into oblivion, I decided to look around see what was happening around me that was bringing me down. I chose to figure out a solution instead of just leaving it to run its course.

A few things came to mind:

1)      Too much Facebook time

That was my initial thought. I was wrong.

I have taken long breaks from social media in the past and often felt pretty good about it. These days, however, our opportunities to connect in person are more limited than most of us have ever experienced in our lives. As an extrovert, that’s tough. I don’t like it. Social media is one easy to way to experience some form of limited interaction, so the idea of taking it away entirely right now is unappealing.

Social media has its shortcomings, though. There’s a lot of anger and assumptions and judgments going on these days. Social media lacks the natural filters that would otherwise tone down what people might otherwise have to say to each other in real life situations.

Instead of throwing out the proverbial baby with the bathwater and shutting it all down again for awhile, I decided to dig a bit deeper and evaluate what is actually happening with social media that would put it first on my list of things I’m allowing to make me cranky.

What I discovered when I dove into my brain is that most of the material raising my ire came from a couple of groups I am in. I stopped following the posts from those groups and have noticed some mood improvement already. In 24 hours.

Or not…

That means I can still see my aunt’s posts about baking cookies and my siblings chatting about whatever, but not have to see the posts from people that conflict with my own core beliefs and desires I wish to see in the world. It means I choose to keep the good and let go of the not so good.

Re-establishing my personal boundaries within the confines of the FB also made it easier to let go of any notion that I can somehow persuade others to change their minds.  I can’t. Even though I want to so often. Attempting to do things with little chance of success is one of the most disheartening things we can do as humans.

Letting that sh*t go is healthy…

2)      Shorter daylight hours

This is the time of year where my super-sensitive body begins to feel a bit down in the dumps as a result of the reduction in daylight hours. I know it. I brace myself for it every year. I’ve learned coping mechanisms to help me get through it (get outside every freaking day, adopt a practice of cozy hygge things, make awesome soups and not care what’s in them, say yes to every single holiday party invitation… oh, 2020 – womp, womp).

This year has been oddly frenetic. Even with the lack of group gatherings and weekend holiday festivities, it seems there has still been a lot going on and I overlooked the cues that the dark days were coming. I didn’t prep and brace like I usually do. The irregularity of our family’s schedule the last couple of months sort of took me off track and left me sitting on my couch over this last weekend wondering why I felt like doing nothing except sitting on the couch. Then the lightbulb went off – it’s that special time of year, but without the glittery, champagne-y distractions I usually have that keep me from landing on the couch in the first place.

When I noticed that, I immediately felt better. I know that it won’t be long before the daylight hours begin to grow and my body is just as sensitive to that as it is to the darkening. Another week or two of embracing my inner Scandinavian and I’ll be good to go. Plus… we should have more snow by then, which will mean more skiing. The key to surviving winter for me has been finding things that make me want to get outside. Snowshoes, skis, nanospikes so I can keep running even if it’s icy out.

Looking forward to all of that!

3)      Feeling a bit out of control

This seems to be a common theme these days. People feel out of control over having to wear a mask, or people not wearing masks. Events being canceled or shifted to online. Schools open or schools closed. Nothing is “normal” these days. Rules and ordinances seem to lack congruency and sometimes even common sense. The media works everyone into a frenzy from their own biased perspective and it is so easy to just let it all in and take over our thoughts.

It can leave anyone feeling a bit (or a lot) out of control.

I include myself within that group.

There is so much happening around us that is outside what has become our norm and we have zero say in how it all unfolds. The most ancient part of our brains crave safety and stability and predictability – when we stayed in the cave we were safe. If we went outside of the cave, we faced possible death, dismemberment, and chaos. Throwing ourselves into a situation like we have now understandably triggers serious safety signals – that’s a given - no matter what our modern day, rational brains process.

The way to combat these feelings is to search for stability in our every day lives. Some people feel like life is so out of control that the best they can do is acknowledge that their feet land on the floor when they get out of bed. If that’s you, then take it. Be grateful for that certainty.

If you can go beyond that, search for constants elsewhere, acknowledge their existence, and express a tiny millisecond of gratitude. There’s tons of science out there on the benefits of a gratitude practice. Recognizing the things around us that we can count on in the middle of insanity is kind of like standing in a rowboat on a choppy ocean and sitting down, placing our hands on the gunwales. It gives us a respite from the feeling we’re about to topple overboard.

These are just a few ways to feel better when it seems hard to do so and how I shifted my own mindset the last few days. Perhaps one of these tips will help you, too. If not, I invite you to trust that there is something that will resonate with you. Be open to it showing up and odds are it will.

Take care!

A Rescue Dog’s Story - Feeling Good Is Just a Matter of Going Back in Time

O’Reilly in his prime years, longing to chase the groomers at Bretton Woods….

I’ll be the first to admit that title sounds a bit sappy. But… you know, people seem to love dog stories.

Especially rescue underdog stories.

I’ll share one with you today that my aging shelter underdog rescue pup wants me to put out there in the world. If he could talk, I am pretty sure this is what he would want to tell you.

A story about his life, his inauspicious beginnings, learning to be loved and experience joy, losing his way and almost his life, then getting a second chance.

Losing his way again, then finding it when he went back to a place in his life where he may have felt his best.

We can all do that. We can all hit our own reset button by going back in time to a place when we felt our best. Pausing to think about and understand why we felt so good at that time, then implementing ways to create the feelings again. If a shelter dog can do it, we humans certainly can, too.

Let’s get back to the star of the show for this one ….

O’Reilly has one of those old school sob stories about the start of his life.

He was one of 7 puppies taken to a shelter in late December 2006. They were born on Christmas Eve and the owner of the mother didn’t want to deal with puppies.

There was no room at the shelter (how’s that for a Christmas story?), so the mother-owner was advised to take the puppies home, get them vaccinated and come back several weeks later to give them the best chance of survival and adoption.

The litter returned in late February and all received names that honored the next upcoming holiday - St. Patrick’s Day.

A nasty respiratory virus swept through the shelter soon after they arrived and none of the litter survived – except for O’Reilly.

Eventually, a friend out here in New England had selected him for adoption. She was looking for a puppy and came up empty-handed at shelters our way. She saw him and fell in love. Arrangements were made for him to be shipped out here. My sister pulled him from the shelter and began lining things up for him to come out here.

He arrived in May 2006 in a crate on a Northwest flight from Indianapolis. I picked him up at the air cargo center at Boston’s Logan airport and he popped out of his crate like a pup-in-the-box with all the pleasure and curiosity of a 6 month-old puppy.

O’Reilly’s first Halloween as a squirrel - oh, the irony

Unfortunately, O’Reilly had another curveball thrown at him – his intended adopter’s landlord had a change of heart and revoked his permission for her to have a dog.

He was in Massachusetts already. I wasn’t in the market for another dog. I had an aging Shepherd in the house already (my college dog). My now ex-husband was not in favor of having another doggo in the house quite yet, although we anticipated getting another down the road.

O’Reilly was cute, however, and that goes far. Evolution has done a great job of giving dogs the ability to look at us, wag a tail, and get permission to come live in our homes and eat our table scraps. O’Reilly definitely benefitted well from the process. He quickly settled in and won us all over.

He looks like a typical Midwestern mutt. If you looked up “dog” in the dictionary, his photo could be there, it’s as if he is a caricature of a dog. His DNA screening reveals he has no dominant breed in his body – he really is a total mix. So many of his physical features are just totally endearing. Like his white paws, a touch of purple on his tongue, and the tip of his tail that looks like he dipped it in a can of white paint.

Once he showed up in our house, there was no getting rid of him. So he stayed.

You may already know that things in life have a way of showing up sometimes before we feel ready for them. Even if it’s exactly what we need.

“My” (are any animals ever really ours?) boy brought that kind of a story with him. He came with a lot of baggage and lessons we weren’t prepared to handle. But we dealt with them one by one anyway. We didn’t have a choice once we said yes to him.

After months in a shelter, he wasn’t exactly house trained. And he was not a small fellow at 6 months old (approaching 50 pounds already). He had grown accustomed to living in a shelter pen, using the corner furthest from his food and bed for his bathroom area.

That meant he was 100% comfortable with my dining room being that spot in his new dwelling.

It’s a lot harder to undo this kind of habit than it is to train a new puppy, just in case you were wondering. We went through not 1, but 2 different rugs in the dining room that year.

Fortunately, he was adorable and curious and possibly the softest dog I have ever had. He seemed truly grateful for a more comfortable place to sleep. To this day, I find him lying in awkward positions on the hard floor, like he doesn’t realize he has other more comfortable options. But he has always had a bit of sadness behind his eyes - he never seemed interested in playing those early years. He didn’t seem to know how. He did, however, seem to appreciate that he had a good thing going.  

“This will do…”

The one thing he did become passionate about during his early years, however, was barking at the mailman.

At first, it was funny. It progressed into a really bad habit. He began to lunge at the window when the mailman arrived.

I’ve had many dogs in my life and never had one who did this. I tried to make it stop. The things I tried didn’t work. He progressed to jumping on the back of the couch to hurl himself at the window. Who knows what was going on in his mind. Perhaps he was succeeding every day because that guy left every single time O’Reilly behaved in this manner. That was his own reward for his behavior – he was protecting the household.

Who knows what was going on in his mind. It wasn’t desirable behavior, but it hadn’t gotten to the point in our minds that we needed to do something drastic. We made half-hearted efforts to make it stop.

Then, he began to show aggression to other dogs. I remember the day it happened… a neighbor had just adopted a sweet, but very submissive, timid dog and wanted to begin socializing her. She asked if she could walk down to introduce her to O’Reilly. He had not exhibit aggression towards dogs before.

He did that day. It surprised us both and I felt terrible for the new dog – that was exactly what she did not need.

That was my wakeup call. I began reaching out to find a trainer or a behaviorist that could help. This was way out of my dog-owner league.

I found a couple, decided on one that seemed to have a clear plan for what to do. She came for a visit with her dog, shared a few thoughts, promised a report, then disappeared.

Eventually, I tried again and visited one at a well-known veterinary school. Received a report, but needed help with a trainer to help implement. I still felt like I didn’t know how to do what I needed to do.

In retrospect, I now see I actually didn’t know what to do.

The key to what needed to happen did not lie with the dog or his behavior. It was with me. I didn’t realize that for some time.

During that time in my life my marriage was not in a good place. That went on for years. The household was emotionally toxic. And this poor dog absorbed it all.

His lack of ability to play meant he absorbed and absorbed and absorbed with no outlet to let all that toxic emotion out. The only thing he could do was take it out on the mailman and other dogs. So that’s what he did. He kept getting rewarded for his behavior by chasing those things away. Then he went back to being his happy-go-lucky caricature after each incident.

Until one day, the worst happened.

He got outside when the mailman was coming up to the house.

He nipped his leg.

I now had a biter.

I decided that day that it was beyond my capacity to sort this out for the dog.

I decided to have him put down unless someone else more skilled was willing to take him.

Nobody was. Nobody wants to take on that kind of a project.

I made the call to the vet. She told me to keep him at home for at least two weeks – the mandatory quarantine period for rabies observation. Then make the call.

I followed her advice.

In the meantime, a friend of my sister recommended I read a book.

That book changed my life.

It is called “Your Dog is Your Mirror.”

It made everything make sense.

O’Reilly 2020 - calmer, wiser, happy to sit and watch the world

The premise is that our dogs absorb the emotions around them and that influences their behavior.

There are more layers to it than that, as well as more to the dynamics when you have multiple dogs in the same household.

But that’s the gist of it.

It made me realize that our toxic household probably did a lot to this dog.

Then my husband came to me – the one who really didn’t want the dog in the first place – and asked me to reconsider having him put down. He asked me to do anything to help him and give him a chance.

I discovered that the author of the book, a man named Kevin Behan,* lived in Vermont and trained dogs.

I tracked him down. I talked to him. I believed he could help O’Reilly.

O’Reilly went to spend the summer with him.

That summer, we sold our house, moved to another with a lot more space, and had a chance to reset and reconnect as a family during our short time of nomadic “homelessness” between houses. It was a good thing for all.

O’Reilly returned to us in the new house, in a new state, and was introduced to his new life by Kevin himself, who drove him from Vermont.

He seemed like a totally different dog.

He spent his summer hiking in the woods, being surrounded by nature, learning from other dogs around him. Discovering how to be a dog.

He learned to play, to tug on a rope.

O’Reilly finally found himself.

He had a new energy, calmness, an assuredness without being overly confident.

It seemed as if he had discovered his purpose in life. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew he had found it.

O’Reilly and his little buddy….

The work on us began that afternoon when Kevin showed up. He demonstrated how to react to any dog frenzy with calmness and a plan of action that de-fused the emotion, rather than added to it.

It worked.

For awhile.

Until it didn’t.

Soon after the move, we got divorced. The household split, there was a lot of uncertainty in the world. O’Reilly weathered it all ok. Perhaps because the splitting meant there was less emotion being offloaded onto him.

I stayed in the house and eventually welcomed someone new into it. That relationship was much healthier, positive, and toxin-free.

O’Reilly adored the new man in my life. Just as he seemed to appreciate his life outside of the shelter, he seemed to greet my new beau with a sense of appreciation for a calmer, more grounded energy, ready to walk in the woods with him and discover more about himself.

But, like so many relationships, there were one or two things that remained unexpressed or unaddressed. While it was a relationship of growth and expansion, I think we both knew it probably wasn’t going to last forever, but maybe neither of us wanted to believe it. Perhaps that’s all it took for us to carry around emotion that had to go somewhere.

O’Reilly absorbed it.

After years of calm and zero reactivity to other dogs, going about in the world with no issues whatsoever, we took O’Reilly to a local brewery where many people took their dogs.

He saw one dog, a Boxer, across the way and he just had to tell that dog what was on his mind. It didn’t sound like it was anything good.

I felt terrible.

Like I failed the dog.

My thought at that time was that I had failed by not reinforcing enough of what he had learned with Kevin.

I now see that what happened was more about me. I was again carrying around unexpressed, unpleasant, and unhealthy emotions. I allowed it to flow downstream to the dog.

He let me know that was happening.

That experience, seeing O’Reilly turn reactive again combined with my own self development journey showed me what I needed to see.

The change would have to come from me.

As part of O’Reilly’s training that special summer he spent in Vermont, his final stages of testing before returning home involved Kevin taking him into town and being around lots of dogs and people. That took place in Brattleboro, a town in the Southeast corner of the state, near the border with NH and Massachusetts.

Brattleboro happens to be the home of one of my favorite breweries, btw.

My post-marriage beau and I loved both the Brattleboro brewery and the town and we decided we would take O’Reilly there one day.

In the spring of 2020, we did. We had already acknowledged our relationship was ending, but it was a promise we had made to O’Reilly - as kooky as that may seem - and we both wanted to honor it. We chose a weekend during the time when our relationship was winding down. It was a perfect day for the trip.

When we rounded the corner driving into town, O’Reilly stood up in the backseat of the car. He looked around.

He knew where he was.

O’Reilly in Brattleboro….

He seemed excited, but also calm.

It was as if all the training he went through nearly 7 years before all came flooding back over him.

He couldn’t wait to get out of the car. He showed me exactly where he wanted to go – a tiny little green leafy corner of a park in the center of town. It had a low ground cover plant growing there. He just wanted to stand in it and look out at the sidewalks while people walked by. I got the feeling that maybe he wanted me to spread some of his ashes there one day. When I had that thought, he turned around to look at me as if he heard me say it. And smiled in the way only dogs do. Telling me I should.

We walked up and down the street and encountered not 1, but 5 different dogs. Some didn’t care less about him, 3 of them did. 3 of them barked like crazy at him – the way he did at the Boxer at our local brewery.

He walked right by, as if they were of no interest whatsoever.

He laid down on the sidewalk while we sat outside to have lunch. Two dogs walked by. He didn’t care. He just laid there with the self-assurance of a very comfortable, confident dog who knew exactly where he was.

He seemed zen. And looked as if he had again reconnected to his purpose.

I had the opportunity to spend a few minutes alone with him at the lunch table and I looked at him and realized this was his story.  This was his purpose. His journey, the ups and the downs, the sadness and triumph. A reminder that our choices and emotions impact way more than just us. That love always helps growth. That when we own our own stuff, we make the world a better place. There’s more, I’m sure. He has more stories to share. This is just the first. I felt in that moment that all he wanted was for me to share his experience so it could help others.

I began to cry.

He found the calmness and serenity again on that day, the feelings that had begun to escape him, by going back in time to the place he had found it.

His story was his purpose. Landing with me, someone who could and would see it and write it to share it with the world, was the way it was supposed to be.

He wants everyone to know that we all have the capacity to heal, to let go of what is hurting us or causing us to hurt others, we can all have a second chance. That we all have the ability to feel good, love, and be loved.

Sitting, remembering when we last felt good, and noticing what was going on for us is all we have to do to bring good feelings back.

You don’t have to go to Brattleboro to experience it (although please do – it’s a great, magical little place).

You just have to decide what feels good and embrace it with awareness, compassion, and a desire to let it guide you to bring more good into the world.

I don’t feel like I’ve quite gotten it right - there’s more to what his experience means. It will come. Perhaps just sharing his journey will have a different impact for you.

Until I figure it out, this is a great place to start.

O’Reilly’s 14th birthday is fast approaching. His body fails him often. Sometimes he falls down. Sometimes he doesn’t quite get outside in time. Some days now he can’t get off the deck. Just when I think today may be the day to let him go, he looks at me with one of his goofy dog grins, and takes off after a squirrel, as if to say, “Nope, not yet!” I know he probably doesn’t have a lot more time with us, so we’ll just appreciate what we get and do our best to live in the lessons he has brought us.

*As for Kevin? I learned that he passed away in January 2021. He had a lot of impact on our little corner of the world and perhaps what he showed us will help others, too. RIP, my friend. Thank you for showing us what we needed to see.

Another update… O’Reilly crossed the Rainbow Bridge in March 2022. He met not one, but two more birthdays after I wrote this blog. In the meantime, he had many more good and not so good days. I had my back deck stairs entirely rebuilt so he could get on and off the deck to lie in the sun and watch the world from his favorite spots. His ashes have been spread in a few of his favorite spots, although I saved a bit for one or two others I may not have thought of. His memory, however, lives with us every day. They are never with us long enough! We miss you, buddy, and are grateful you chose to spend most of your 15 plus years with us.

O’Reilly’s special staircase.

O’Reilly, Nov. 2020



Running Uphill - 7 Lessons I Learned from Running This Crazy Year

I’m 46 years old and I’ve always hated running.

Until this year.

I’ve run off and on over the years. I tried to love it. I’ve done countless 5ks and who knows how many uninspired miles in all sorts of places. Running has always had a cerebral appeal to me because it’s so easy to throw a pair of sneakers into a bag and always have an easy way to explore a different city and get some exercise when on the road. It seemed like something I should naturally love.

But I never truly enjoyed it. Gotta be honest.

There were all sorts of excuses in my mind as to why I didn’t enjoy it.

“I need a new pair of shoes, these are toast.”

“It’s so hot, I hate hot weather.”

“I just need to run more regularly, it feels so hard, but I don’t have time.”

Or, my personal favorite repeat running thought…

“My ankles hurt. This sucks ass.”

When I’ve taken it up in the past, it was for a reason. To get ready for a 5k, to have something to do with a boyfriend who loved it, to force myself to take a break during the workday, or just to “get in shape.”

None of those reasons have anything to do with just running for running’s sake.

This year, that shifted. I started running because I got bored with walking. That’s it. That’s the only reason. I started running just for the sake of running. And I 100% believe that’s the reason I have finally come to love it.

Since this experience – and my thoughts about it – carry so many metaphors for my own life, I want to share what I’ve noticed happening over the last few months.

Before I begin with the specifics, I’ll let you know exactly what happened from a high level, bird’s eye perspective:

I let go of expectations and intentionally chose the thoughts I put in my head every time I went out.

That’s it.

That’s also lesson number 1 from this entire experience.

1)      Stop expecting.

When we let go of expectations of an intended outcome and allow ourselves to experience and enjoy a moment for what it is, what happens as a result becomes almost magical – certainly it becomes more enjoyable (even for mundane things). I stopped expecting my runs to get me somewhere and began to just be – to experience the runs for what they were. Runs. On the road. Under the trees, along the fields, past my neighbors’ donkeys. I observed the changing of the seasons, the way the wind blew, the angle of the sun at different times of day.

I began to think I understood a bit of what Thoreau was going for. That was cool, because when I had to read Thoreau in school, I thought it was boring as shit.

The rest of the lessons…

2)            Shoes matter.

This is probably an obvious one when it comes to running, but I discovered something really important over the last couple of years. The so-called “wisdom” about what kind of shoes I “should” wear that came from others was totally wrong. I’ve had my gait analyzed, my physiology evaluated, and received advice about what kind of shoes I should buy. I was always directed to a “stability” shoe – a shoe that has more support, more pieces of foam designed to shift my feet into one position or another. The way our feet lie in our shoes affects everything else in our bodies. What I didn’t realize for many, many years is those shoes were not serving me at all. They weren’t adding to my running pleasure, they were actually detracting from it – I just didn’t know any better. I thought that’s what I should have because that’s what the experts told me I should wear.

The shoes were forcing me to do something that my body was actually not wanting to do. Running in a pair of shoes that were placing me into an unnatural position that was not right for my body was detrimental, not helpful. It added to (maybe even created) the hurt.

The last time I was steered towards such a pair of shoes, I finally said no. I tried on every single pair of “stability” shoe they had in the store in my size. I didn’t like any of them. The “support” was in all the wrong places. I understood why people get those custom orthotics made that I had done only for my ski boots (because… who doesn’t want to make skiing more comfortable than it is?).

I felt like the star of the show in the princess and the pea that day at the running shoe store. I asked for what else there was. The sales guy brought me what is commonly known as a “neutral” shoe – one that doesn’t have quite so much pushiness about the positioning – along with a clearly disapproving attitude. This is the kind of shoe that assumes you aren’t pronating or supinating or whatever it is people think our feet are doing that is dubbed wrong. And the attitude the sales guy brought along was the kind that says “you, slightly chubby 40 something year old lady, clearly have no idea about running.”

Those shoes gave me the space to feel what was going on for my feet – more about that in Lesson 3… I did exactly the right thing.

What’s the overall life takeaway here? Stop listening to other people’s ideas about what you “should” be doing. Seriously. Or if you already do an awesome job with that, then keep up the good work and never start listening to people telling you you’re doing it wrong.

By the way… if your shoes are just awesome looking and that’s the only reason to put them on and get out there, that’s ok, too. Whatever inspires us to get out is a good thing. Who cares if they’re professionally fitted?

Btw, totally love my On Clouds….

3)            Body aches are telling us something.

Just as my shoes provided feedback to me that I needed something else to run in, I’ve noticed that body aches and pains (the ankles that hurt?) are simply feedback indicating a need to adjust something. Instead of looking for an external solution (shoes with guardrails and uncomfortable arch supports, a knee brace, an injection, etc.) I found that being willing just to shift my body in subtle ways has allowed me to get rid of the physical issues that have plagued me in the past on my runs. My chiropractor recommend a book called “Chi Running” that probably changed my running life and opened my mind to ways to shift body positioning in subtle ways. Being more self-aware in general also helped.

What have I learned and adjusted?

Shifting from a heel strike to a mid-foot strike was a huge game changer for me. I can’t articulate why, although I am sure there is someone out there who can. It was just better for me, it felt better. But perhaps just being aware that there are different ways to have your feet hit the pavement is enough to give you the freedom to try different things.   And see what works for you.

My achy ankles? As I noticed in my body the newfound freedom of my shoes, I gave my body permission to send the signal that I was holding a lot of tension in my ankles. I wasn’t fully releasing at the end of a stride, and that was causing some shin pain and ankle pain. When I began experimenting with awareness of what was going on in my ankles, I made adjustments and felt better.

As I continued running, I noticed my butt got “better” (i.e., stronger). I began to rely on those muscles more instead of channeling my energy and muscle reliance into my quads and hips, which was leading to some additional pains as I began to rack up miles again. I also added a bit of attention to my abs and core and felt what kind of impact those muscles had on my other minor shifts that led to fewer aches and pains.

In other words… I listened to my body and adjusted accordingly.

No matter what we are doing, even when it doesn’t seem like something physical, listening to our bodies and making adjustments that help it feel better is always the right answer.

Always.

4) Goal setting

I’m not one to shy away from setting goals in other areas of my life, but I noticed when I started to run again this year, I would set little goals or milestones for myself. Just little ones. Before, however, I would just run. With little intention other than to rack up miles - the miles I decided I “had” to rack up to get ready for the thing. I hated every moment.

So did my dog.

I have used running apps in the past, including the “Couch to 5k” style ones designed to get naturally lazy people (like me!) back out there. If you aren’t familiar with them, the concept is basically run a bit, walk a bit until you run more and more and eventually run a 5k nonstop. The problem with them is they often aren’t adjustable and they don’t take into account who you are and where you are and all the things, like some days I don’t feel like doing squat.

So I treated this year’s return to running as totally up to me. I could run a full 5k if I felt like it (if there’s  a promise of beer at the end, I’m usually much faster). Or I could just do what I wanted. Take breaks and walk along the way and say hi to the aforementioned donkeys.

But the one thing I do every run is set an intention for how far I will go before I check in to see if I want to do more.

The mental conversation goes like this:

“I’m going to run to the corner there and then see if I feel like going more.”

“I’m at the corner… keep going or walk a bit?”

“Ehhhh. A break is ok today.”

“Ok, let’s take a break to that telephone pole up there…”
“Alright, that’s cool.”

[get to telephone pole]

“Let’s goooooo!!!!]

“Ok, how far?”

“The next corner up there, maybe a quarter of a mile… you got this.”
“Okie dokie.”

[gets to corner]

“We’re here, now what? Want to keep going?”

“Yeah! I’m feeling good now, can we keep going and go faster?”

“You betcha.”

It may sound kooky (or even a little psycho), but I have conversations like that the whole way.

Sometimes I say how awesome it is to be out. Other times I criticize my judgement in deciding going out in the snow was just super crazy.

By the way… this has been my rule as a runner since the beginning:

Always run up the hill.

It’s ok to take a break at the top, and even walk down.

But I always run up the hill.

Even if it’s short.

Even if it’s long.

Running uphill makes us stronger every single damn time we do it.

Just doing it is awesome.

In life in general, you may have heard the phrase or read the book “Eat that Frog.”

Same concept. Do the hard things as hard as you can. It makes the easier things way easier.

And the hard things easier, too.

Not a fan of running…. ever

5) Check in with yourself

Setting goals is one thing, but checking in with yourself along the way is another.

As my dialogue above shows, I check in with myself along the way. I do that all the time. I’ve conditioned myself to do it in my life in general all the time.

All day, every day.

No metaphor for life required here.

Just check in with yourself to see what you need.

Do you want to keep going?

Do you want a challenge?

Do you want to slow down?

Do you want to do more?

Do you want to push yourself hard?

Is it a day to take it easy?

Even with setting my goals, I found that checking in along the way often allowed my inner self to express what it wanted – instead of just listening to what my ego or the Couch to 5k app wanted.

It led to running more, not less. And being kinder when I needed it. More on that in a minute.

6) Celebrate progress

Checking in along the way also invited a lot of celebration. I began to notice that instead of taking 5-6 walking breaks on my usual route (what I did a the beginning), I quickly dropped down to 1 or 2 or none. I celebrated the progress and those little celebrations actually served to inspire me to answer my check-ins differently.

Instead of taking a break, I would be more likely to say…

“I don’t want to stop – I can do both of these hills in a row.”

Or…

“Yeah, I just did twice what I did last week! I’m kicking ass and want to keep going!!!”

Just noticing and celebrating our wins often inspires us to do more, go harder, and be faster next time around. And the way to do that is by doing all those things on this go around.

7) Having some self-compassion

Some days I don’t want to do much. Some days I just want a walk. I’ve decided to let that be ok.

In doing so, I’ve noticed that I actually want to run more often than not. I say yes more often than no. I believe the key here, though, is giving permission for myself to say no. Or yes.

It’s up to me.

Then I choose what I tackle on any given day.

This time of year (it’s December in New England), I find I have to dig deep to go out on days I want to stay in or be by the fireplace, but those are the days I actually feel most amazing, at my awesome-est when I get back inside from a run. For saying yes and doing it anyway, even when I want to say no.

That’s it. I hope my running experience has given you a nugget or two to contemplate. These lessons I’ve learned from getting out in my now-favorite running shoes are the things I think about on my runs. They make me show up more mindful for my work when I get back to the house. And they inspire me to figure out what they really mean to me, because I think that’s what makes it easier to translate into something that’s meaningful to all of us. I trust there’s something in there for you, especially since you’re still reading 😊

Are you a runner? Do you have an experience of your own you wish to share? If so, reach out and let me hear it. Our own experiences can be kept to ourselves or shared with others. We never know what seeds our stories plant in the minds of others….

How I lost 7 pounds without sacrificing an arm….

Did you know the average female arm weighs 7 pounds?

It may be a bit gruesome (Happy Belated Halloween?) to think about that, but I looked for the answer to the question of what part of our body weighs 7 pounds when I was reminded recently to think about how I lost 7 pounds overnight.

Not once, but twice.

In both instances, I had been trying to get “healthy,” which meant exercising more and eating less. I had been “trying” (that’s a whole other blog post) to make better choices for my body for weeks or months and was feeling frustrated at not seeing the number on the scale decrease. While my overall body felt better, I just wasn’t seeing the weight change I thought would accompany my return to better body habits, especially after my own historical experiences. I mean, I had always been able to lose weight whenever I wanted to. What was going on?

The first time the 7 pounds overnight thing happened, I thought it was a fluke. I know that sometimes I can work really hard, be diligent, and still see slow progress when I scowl down at the scale in the morning (because putting on my glasses may have a HUGE impact on that number, right?) for some time. I know, as a practical matter, than I can lose fat and gain muscle, which can equate with … staying at the same number on the scale despite an improvement for my body and health.

So the first time I got on the scale and saw that I lost 7 pounds overnight, I had two thoughts:

1)     The scale can’t possibly be accurate; or

2)     The work just caught up with me all at once and that’s weird, but ok, whatever… it happens….

I filed it away in my brain and decided to track the number daily for awhile just for fun.

That evening, my then-significant other got on the scale then cheerily got in bed, seeming perfectly content with the number he saw.

“I think the scale is off,” I said. “It was 7 pounds lighter this morning than I expected, so I wouldn’t get too excited if you had the same experience.”

“Oh. Well, I’m not trying to lose and it was exactly the same for me yesterday. I don’t think it’s off.”

(Yeah, he’s a runner – the only time he tried to lose weight was in the early days of our relationship when we were spending many nights together eating out and trying all the beers at the local breweries that had popped up like mushrooms in the forest and he put on a cool 10 pounds evenly distributed throughout his body. He’s one of those. He’s lucky. It’s ok.)

His experience suggested to me that my 7 pounds overnight weight loss may have been an actual weight loss.

I thought about what else may have caused it.

The night before the 7 pound loss I had decided to make a staffing change in my business. I had someone working for me who just wasn’t able to deliver what I needed at that time. I decided to let that person go. It was a tough decision and one I had been considering for months. After trying to make that situation work, I realized that it was time to let the person go on to do more of what they were good at with someone who would be lucky to have them.

That was the best I could come up with at the time to explain the drop.

“No way…. The two things couldn’t possibly be related….”

So I thought.

Flash forward a couple years or so and the aforementioned runner and I had, well, run our course together. It was time for us to be grateful for the experiences we had, appreciate the collective growth we experienced, and go on our separate ways. That was a much more difficult decision than the staffing one.

But at one point, we both knew it was time.

Guess what happened the day after?

I lost 7 pounds. Again.

I’ve learned over the years that random occurrences often have an explanation. Repeated ones probably have a reason.

I’ve shared this story with a couple of people, including some of my one-on-one coaching clients.

One of them did a deep clearing one day during a session, acknowledging an old belief, an event that impacted her life for years, and decided to let it go. Decided it had served its purpose.

She didn’t lose 7 pounds, but she did lose a couple overnight. Enough for her to share it with me the next week.

I was intrigued.

Now, this last story I am about to share with you is one that told me “I REALLY NEED TO SHARE THIS AGAIN.”

My son is 16 and has been dealing with what I think is heavier than usual 16 year old stuff. A lot. It affects him, his sister, me. It’s not easy some days.

I know I won’t just let him drift along without getting the right kind of help. I’ll try anything so long as he is willing to give it a shot.

Last week it was a visit to a counselor/shamanic healer, fire walker, and all around pretty cool dude who definitely does some energy work.

He did a deep meditation connecting with the spirit of the things that are affecting my son. I could feel the difference in the kid’s energy when we left the appointment. You know when you walk in a room and you can feel that something just happened before you arrive? It was like that.

My son was calm, cool, assure of himself. We had a totally amazing lunchtime conversation and I had the best veggie burger ever.

A couple days later, my son asked if I could get him some protein powder. He said he felt he needed more protein because he’s been working out and he lost 10 pounds overnight.

10. Pounds. Overnight.

“Literally?” I said.

“Yes.” He told me he weighed himself the morning of the appointment and the day after and he lost it literally overnight.

What does this mean? Perhaps it means that the weight we carry around may not be just the product of the food we eat and the calories we don’t burn. Maybe it means that the emotional baggage we carry with us, the unexpressed emotions, the thoughts that impact our daily lives in ways we don’t even see anymore because we’ve carried them around for so long, and the energy we clamp down into our body may actually impact our physical selves.

I don’t have any other explanation.

There’s plenty of science out there to support the idea that we have so much going on around us and inside of us that we simply do not understand right now. Perhaps this is one of those things.

So, if you’re struggling to lose some weight, perhaps take a look at what is going on in your life. What things are you ready to let go of? What heaviness do you no longer need?

Then let that sh*t go….

And let me know what happens! 

Interested in upping your communication skills, feeling better in life day to day, or making a massive life overhaul? Click here to book a free 30 minute call to see if coaching is the right fit for you now…..

What if…

One of the most powerful questions I have begun asking myself and my coaching clients regularly starts with “What if?”

It’s a sentence stem that can create so much mindset shift it should almost be illegal. Perhaps it is just barely legal….

I used it in a coaching session recently with someone who is feeling very stuck and frustrated in his job. He feels like his role at his company has changed so much over the last year or two that he doesn’t feel heard, valued, or even acknowledged anymore. He wants to move, but… reports finding the pandemic has made it hard to find openings in his industry, which makes it near impossible for him to make a move right now.

If you’ve ever been stuck in a job, a relationship, a house, or any situation that seems to be causing you grief, perhaps the easiest way out is to stay right where you are and get to work on your attitude - your thoughts - about the situation before making any drastic moves to get out of it.

So often, we humans want to flee before we think out carefully where we really want to go.

That approach served us when we lived in caves and were chased by predators on a daily basis.

Our little ancient brains noticed something about our surroundings and became programmed to skedaddle on out of there before a lion pounced on us and that was that. Those instincts served us well and became a part of our fundamental DNA. We were born with the instinct to get out of danger.

As our species evolved, however, that genetic coding has not. It’s still in there. We need it sometimes. But our brains have not quite evolved to be more selective about when it decides to kick in.

That leaves us feeling like we need to flee so often when just minor discomfort is presenting itself instead of a human-eating predator.

We can’t help ourselves. We just can’t.

Allowing that instinct to take over and propel us forward out of every situation, however, often does not serve us in getting to a better place. It gets us out of danger. Period.

We have evolved to a point where we may be better served by taking more mindful action in planning a destination before taking to flight.

And that’s where “what if” comes into play.

Asking ourselves lots of “what if” questions can both help us identify where we want to go AND make it easier to stay put until we have a clear vision of the next steps.

Going back to my friend stuck in a job example, there are some extremely simple, yet powerful, what if questions that re-shaped the thoughts he had about where he was:

• What if you are exactly where you need to be right now?

• What if there is a lesson for you to be learned before you can move on to the next thing?

• What if jumping ship now puts you in a worse place?

• What if a bit more time will help you see the right place to go?

• What if you are taking action that is inconsistent with what you really, truly want for yourself next?

• What if you’re wrong?

• What if you’re right?

• What if there’s another option you haven’t thought of yet?

• What if where you are now is giving you the perfect stability to plan for what is right next?

• What if there is more for you here than you realize?

• What if there are other ways to feel happy, satisfied or fulfilled in this role right now?

• What if there are ways to find satisfaction for yourself in other areas of your life and this just provides you what you need right now

  I am definitely not a proponent of spinning around in analysis-paralysis real estate in the headspace, but asking a few pointed “what if” questions when we are stuck in a place we just want to get out of can lead to a place of greater insights, more possibility, and expanded opportunity. Not to mention, buy us time to think clearly about where we go from here.

What if changing our thoughts is really the first place to start when we want to make a change?

“Why?” you may ask.

Because our thoughts are what create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions, and our actions lead to outcomes. That’s why.

The next time you find yourself stuck in a situation you desperately want to flee, start asking your own “what if” questions and see what happens with your thoughts. You get to choose those, every single moment of every single day.

What if you could feel better by simply choosing different thoughts?

The Wave of Women - It’s Not Just Coming

I first published this blog on an old website quite some time ago. With the recent passing of RBG, it seemed appropriate and desirable to bring it back from the depths. RIP, RBG. You can never be replaced.

I keep hearing a lot of talk and seeing lots of stats lately about how women are rolling on into higher level positions everywhere. Accepting the mantle of responsible leadership for more and more these days. It’s been a long time coming.

It wasn’t so many years ago that women were breaking the glass ceiling just by getting “real” jobs, instead of mere supporting roles in the professional world. Women were fighting for one single seat at the table.

Look at two very visible and inspiring women role models – Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg. They graduated with impressive law degrees and academic credentials that put many men to shame, yet neither of them could get hired as a lawyer upon graduation. They were offered secretarial jobs. Or no job at all. And that wasn’t so long ago. 

What’s happening now is amazing to experience and witness. We aren’t asking for seats at someone else’s table, we are setting up our own tables again and again. We don’t have the need or desire to ask for a seat at someone else’s.

We are coming together in networking organizations that are supportive of each other, no matter where we are, rather than competing or taking each other down.

For every Hobby Lobby out there, how many women owned business are making sure their female employees have access to health coverage that is not based on someone else’s religious beliefs? I don’t know that number, but I bet it is a lot.

When I first started out my own legal career in Boston, there were plenty of women around in the profession. It didn’t feel like we had done anything all that special by getting to work as lawyers right off the bat. By 1999 it had become pretty accepted that we would get jobs as lawyers.

But, sadly, we weren’t all that supportive of each other.

I landed in a practice area that did not have a lot of women practitioners. Litigation wasn’t (and still isn’t) the most family-friendly lifestyle and that may have kept women away. Women partners at the big firms were just starting to become a bit more commonplace, although it felt like each announcement warranted celebration.

We all seemed to be getting on just fine. We didn’t need to band together and banding together in the past didn’t get us anywhere anyway. Not long before I graduated, there were only so many spots available at many law firms for female candidates, so we had to compete, not bond.

I was a member of a bar association that had very few female members. We tried to start a women’s group many years ago. It never really took root, perhaps in part because one male member insisted on being included and would show up and… be kind of annoying. So, our women’s group fell apart after a short time. I had hopes that it would kindle something - anything - to start our equivalent of the “old boys club.”

But we girls never really came together and supported each other just because we were women. There were a few women in the group that I became friends with (and still call friends to this day). But that was because we just liked each other. We all seemed to have plenty of male friends, too.

Back then, we women lawyers still debated things like:

-          Should we wear skirts to court or are pants ok now?

-          What if you drive a stick and the heel on your shoe is wearing down from the clutch? Is that ok?

-          Do old man judges still think we’re stupid?

-          Have you had a client/another lawyer/judge/mediator hit on you? Alone in a conference room? Or worse?

The conversations and the defeated efforts to rally the women generally just seemed to reinforce the message I had received already that there wasn’t much benefit to collaborating with women for women’s sake.

I didn’t give up, though. At one point I tried joining a women’s specific bar association. I am far from a political extremist, but I found the group to have a very politically driven agenda. There seemed to be a “you’re with us or against us” mentality and it didn’t feel very welcoming because I didn’t agree with all of their agenda. I wanted to develop more professional relationships with women and I felt like I couldn’t there because I wasn’t always politically “with them.” I didn’t feel welcome.

Today, I recognize that experience may have been more about what was going on in my own head than anyone else’s. But the message felt reinforced for me again.  

So I stopped showing up and just stayed my course developing relationships with people who had similar interests and challenges. And that was mostly men.

Flash forward many years (it’s been over 20 years now since I graduated from law school and successfully passed the bar) and I am only now connecting with women professionally who want to support other women just because we are part of the “girls’ club.” Professionals, business owners, corporate CEOs and execs, stay at home mom-preneurs, I see them all in many of the groups I belong to these days.

And what is inspiring is that by coming together with the right attitude and mindset, I see us supporting each other where we are. It doesn’t mean that every person who meets at these events is guaranteed to find a willing purchase of her services or products. It isn’t a quid pro quo style of networking.

It’s bigger and way better than that.

We come together and let each other know that we all have our struggles. We all feel like big freaking failures some days.

And we all celebrate our success. We celebrate that we have the ability to choose and to shape our own destinies. We celebrate in seeing our communities change for the better due to our ability and willingness to step into positions of inspired leadership.

We no longer ask for a seat at the table, we create our own tables with plenty of seats. And when there’s not an empty one available, we welcome someone showing up with a folding chair.

Does my new found belief that women supporting other women is great for all of us mean I don’t connect with or serve male clients anymore? Definitely not.

But I do know that my relationship building with women professionals has opened my eyes to a different world of possibilities that I never would have seen if I had stayed stuck where I was.

The wave isn’t coming. It’s here.

How My Stilettos Became My Mental Matador…

I still remember the moment I looked over at my now ex-husband after a particularly contentious, nasty fight and the thought popped into my head – “What am I doing? I don’t like who I am around him. I don’t like the person I’ve become. This isn’t who I really am.”

I started my life as a “nice girl” who didn’t really rattle the cages, rock the boats, or rabble the rouses. I was always told I was “smart” and I decided early on (back in 4th grade) that I wanted to put those “smarts” to use and become a lawyer.

So I did just that.

I wasn’t really sure what kind of lawyer I would become. I ended up with a major in Russian and a minor in Greek and Roman Civilization (or, as I liked to call it, “almost Latin”) and thought maybe I would do some sort of high-powered, influential international business lawyering.

As life often does, my path took me somewhere different and unexpected.

I ended up doing mostly American litigation. Lots of probate cases (where people fight over estate distributions) and representing the little guy versus Wall Street in arbitration actions. Investors and employees who all got chewed up and spit out by our financial institutions.

Not exactly where a “nice girl” fits in easily.

I used to envy the nasty, battle-hardened lawyers I saw in court. The ones who looked and acted like they ate nails for breakfast and hydrated with straight up scotch all day long, their innards coated in Teflon. Nothing seemed to phase them, and even the ickiest of emotional conflicts seemed to slide right off them personally like the proverbial water off a duck’s back.  

On the other hand, I felt like I internalized so much of what my clients were feeling. I often took on their battles as if they were my own. When they took a hit, I took a hit. When they won, I was elated.

And as a “nice girl,” I began questioning just how nice I “should” be. I began to question whether a “nice girl” could even do everything that was necessary to the get the job done. I once had a client react negatively to the fact that I didn’t get up and point at our opponent and scream at him and waggle my finger in his face like the other lawyer did to my client. I have never done that, and never will.

I had another client get upset that I didn’t object after every uncomfortable question opposing counsel fired at him. The client forgot that I did object to several of them – in part because they were objectionable, and in part to give my client a brief interruption to catch his breath and prepare to respond. That didn’t go unnoticed by the arbitrators, however; I was admonished to stop objecting so much, so I went back to doing what I was supposed to do – objecting only to the questions that were objectionable.

Because that’s what “nice girls” do. Follow the rules.

After those two events I just described, and being married to someone (also a lawyer) who incessantly questioned my legal judgment, I really started to think that I needed to be nastier.

So I tried that on for size.

I tried to be meaner. I tried to break the rules, or at least push the boundaries now and then.

After thinking about my career path in preparation for an interview by a fellow coach recently, I recalled the shoes I frequently wore. The ones I wore to court. I used to call them my “mean girl shoes.”

They were fabulous. The comfy, practical square-toed shoes of the late nineties I pulled into my wardrobe rotation after graduation were quickly replaced with the pointy-toed skinny heeled shoes of the early naughts.

And I loved them.

I trotted around Boston’s Financial District in them, wearing them to the battles in court.

They made me feel like I could conquer the world.

But boy did they hurt my feet.

I didn’t care. The hurt made me meaner. It made it easier to show up and point and scowl and put on a good show.

Those shoes were my own mental matadors.

Or more accurately, the picadors.

Now, I’m not a fan or proponent of bullfighting by any means. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. But I’ll share with you exactly what the picadors do in a bullfight so as to put the shoes into perspective (and in case you’re not a big Hemingway fan and have never even heard the word before).

You may have heard of the matadors – the men who fight the bulls. They are the ones responsible for slaying the majestic animal. But it’s the picadors who pick away at the poor beasts. Literally. They poke and pick the bull with lances both to enrage the bull and get it to charge, and to weaken the bull’s neck muscles in preparation for its, ahem, final charge.

My “mean girl shoes” did both of those things for me. They put me in a foul mood and made me want to charge. And they also weakened me, they wore me down, which made me more likely to take the bait and start swinging.

Pushing the envelope. Putting on a show.

But I couldn’t keep that up forever, no matter what I had on my feet.

Eventually, soon after the fight I started this story with, I realized that I didn’t have to slay bulls to win battles. I didn’t need to make my feet hurt so I could put on a show. I learned how to get back to my roots and be “nice” again.   

I learned how to handle conflicts in a way that was much more compassionate for myself. And turned out to be much more effective for my clients.

I now teach the same principles I adopted myself to my clients, whether they work with me as a lawyer or a coach. I teach them how to stop slaying bulls. How to pick and choose the battles. That not engaging at the bullfight doesn’t mean you lose the war. It means everyone wins by living another day.

It also means that flip flops and ballet flats are totally fine, too.

Why all those online courses and coaching haven’t worked….

I have a confession…

I’ve taken a LOT of courses. Maybe some would even call it an embarrassing number. I’m not sure I feel that way because I’m not easily embarrassed anymore. Like Kathy Bates’ character in “Fried Green Tomatoes,” after I turned 40 I started caring a lot less about other people’s thoughts about me and that means I don’t embarrass easily anymore. Even when I learned at the checkout line at a Walmart last summer from a very nice young lady who worked there that my dress was tucked up inside the back of my jacket. Probably had been since I arrived and stayed that way as I wandered around the store to grab cat litter and deodorant (in two opposite corners of the store, of course). Who knows? I am sure there’s a photo on the People of Walmart out there somewhere of me that day. I wont’ even mention what kind of undies I was wearing that day…. Oh, well.

But about all the courses, programs, downloads and all the things I have invited willingly into my inboxes… and the lessons you may learn from them should you so choose.

Me? I’ve learned a TON from them. Every single one, as a matter of fact.

Sometimes the lesson was that I should reconsider before I sign up for another mini course or coaching program and be more mindful of how I spend my time. Other times, I have been shocked at how much value I have received from a tiny little one page PDF or something I did “just for fun” that ended up changing my life (kundalini yoga, anyone?). I often wish all of them could be that way. Short and sweet and to the point. “Just get to the juicy bit, already….”

I started down the path of trying all the things to help myself build my own businesses awhile back - maybe 6-7 years ago - when I decided to take more control over my life. I still remember the very first online program I bought that seemed totally out there. It was Katie and Gay Hendricks’ package on learning to love oneself (curious to check it out? Here’s a link). I didn’t get it at first. I downloaded it, looked at the workbook, read the book, and tried to do the exercises. I wasn’t ready. I rolled my eyes and told myself it was kinda stupid.

Then I went back to it maybe a year later and it all clicked for me and everything just tumbled on forward from there.

Now, I often check out lots of things I see online, from books to programs, to online courses and coaching programs, because I think they may have something of value for me or my clients. I love to share discoveries with others. There could be a message that comes in just the right package for me or someone I know. And some I look at even when I know it’s not for me, but I want to check it out anyway (the programs for owners of dog businesses and gyms, for example - I don’t own either, but I was curious).

So I often look to see if something seems appealing, valuable, or of interest.

Some offerings are better than others. Some are just regurgitations of what I call Business or Marketing 101.

Personally, I have found a lot of really interesting, innovative things out there in cyber-land that have helped me with all sorts of issues.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway, however, is that often the lure of the freebie calls to me to satisfy a feeling I may be lacking in the moment. Responding like a slobbering dog to a ringing bell, I have enthusiastically provided my first name and email in exchange for promises of things I suspect we all want… freedom, calm, peace, ease, lots of money. I have discovered, however, that none of the programs, downloads, or courses will deliver those things if they are solving problems I don’t have or solutions I do not need. I think that’s true for a lot of people. We want something we lack and we look for an easy solution to fill that void.

(It’s also a big cause of overeating, drinking, dangerous behaviors… we look for ways to feel better right away)

Ultimately, after taking all the courses and trying all the things I finally realized that there is only one single common denominator for the things that work and the things that don’t.

It’s me.

How do I know that? Because I am very keenly aware that we all have the ability to create our own reality, our own success, our own lives. The choices we make in every moment lead to the results we get in the next.

The next moment, week, year, decade….

All of our micro-choices lead us exactly where we choose to let them lead us.

And that means that following the steps of a plan that someone else lays out that have worked for them, and even for many others, probably won’t work if you’re not in alignment with it.

You can be out of alignment for a few different reasons.

And all of those reasons have to do with you.

Not the process, not the algorithms, not others in your life.

It’s you.

So if you’ve tried all the things for whatever it is you want to accomplish (stop drinking, build a business, fix relationships) and feel frustrated, upset, even like giving up because the things aren’t working, I invite you to think for a moment. There may be some mental trash in there for you to throw out before those solutions will work for you (and they will if they are addressing your real underlying need).

Take a look for a moment at what you may be carrying around that doesn’t serve your wishes and desires.

What is the common denominator in your life?

Toxic relationships?

Circumstances beyond your control?

Feeling you need another certification?

It’s actually none of those things.

The common denominator is you. And the choices you make. That’s it. That’s all that is getting in your way.

And until you recognize that and own it, none of the other things people tell you will matter. If you think you’re all set and have already done the work, I invite you to check in with yourself on that, especially if you’re thinking “I’ve heard all this before” or “That’s totally not what I need.”

Been there, done that.

If you’ve tried programs and books and downloads, searching for answers and still not finding them, you haven’t finished your inner work. You have sludge in there to clean out.

If you don’t take care of that stuff, you’ll be stuck in park or simply move forward slowly, limited by the capacity of first gear, running against the low bar of first gear’s upper limits, until you learn to shift your thoughts.

(Hint - don’t forget the clutch….)

You may get away without addressing the stuff, the sludge for awhile longer. But you can build yourself on top of all that junk that you’ll have to get rid of eventually, or you can stop for a minute and get that junk out of there. It usually doesn’t feel good to stop and do that. To own your choices. See you have stuff you don’t like in there, within you. But cleaning out that space will likely allow you to advance more quickly to where you want to go.

I’ll share something else with you that I’ve learned myself the hard way on this very topic….

Searching for solutions outside myself often leave me feeling unsatisfied. When I see an ad that promises something I am looking for, but do not find within the book, download, or program, it’s because the thing I acquired was not actually offering the real thing I was looking for.

It was solving the wrong problem for me.

Be it advice on running more effective Facebook ads, a social media planning calendar, or an organizational app that will get my life in order.

Seeking peace in life does not come from having the perfect social media calendar.

Finding financial freedom is not the product of applying someone’s method to launch the thing.

Peace of mind cannot be found in a coaching program simply because you were convinced “You get what you pay for” and “Investing in yourself is the best thing you can do” if it’s someone else’s idea of what you need.

Achieving confidence to step out of your comfort zone and offer something you’ve never done before – being visible and vulnerable – can’t be found with a 3 step formula to build your email list.

All of those things are tools that will get you to where you want to go if they relate to the thing you actually, truly, really, authentically want to do, but unless you KNOW where you want to go, all of those things are likely to add up to no more than a lot of wasted time and money.

Here’s what to do instead, until you’re ready for the “simple tools” and “5 Step Methods” to support you to get where you want to go:

1)      Ask yourself what it is you truly want for yourself right now, and tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year….;

2)      Honor the heck out of what you get in response to Number 1 and say a big old resounding “NO” to anything that is not in alignment with your wish;

3)      Set yourself up for success in achieving Number 1 by reminding yourself everywhere, every day, that you are working towards THAT - everything else can wait (at least for now);

4)      Work on your belief system before you do anything else – belief in yourself, your product or service, and your clients’ or customers’ ability to benefit from all those things; and

5)      Take a look to see if there is something you need to clear out of your life, your space, your business before you can move forward and take care of it already. Once you clear out the space, you can plant the seeds and cultivate the garden you truly want.

Remember….

The biggest thing that gets in the way of success and moving forward is us. Ourselves. Nobody else will ever make better decisions for you than YOU and you are the one who can decide what you do next, in every single moment of every single day.

Learning to harness the power of your own thoughts and owning the impact they have on your outcomes is the most amazing and empowering thing you can do for yourself.

If you need help with that, reach out and book a free initial call. I’ll be happy to help you learn to put your own thoughts to better, stronger use - and call yourself on your own BS 😊 It’s probably the best gift you can ever give yourself.